When Silence Is No Longer Golden

 Hello again, can't believe I'd end up writing about this thing here again, but here goes... So I've been really anxious for the past few days. Like really anxious - I'm feeling tightness in my chest, uneasiness in my stomach, lower appetite, scattered thoughts, the usual anxiety stuff... And it's all because of a catch up session with her . I've never really wrote about how I feel about her. Honestly I'm not even sure. She's definitely very beautiful and it's always nice to have a pretty girlfriend. That aside, I recalled that what attracted me the most to her is how good of a listener she was, and how she's able to understand what I went through at the time. I always felt great after our meet up, and we'd talk about all our problems and worries. Things change along the way. I'm not really sure from when exactly, but there was a period when I was almost certain that she was kinda into me, but at the same time I know she was also being pu...

Hi readers! A few months have passed since my last post again and this time I have a big announcement: I've finally broken my single streak! In case you readers are wondering, it's her  :D. It's indeed a great news, but the things that is in my mind right now is not so great... Not sure if it was obvious, but she's not actually based in the same country as me. She took the initiative to make the first visit, which I think made sense since she has more things to do here than me there. Also, I still wasn't sure about the relationship at the time so her visiting me instead of the other way round means less investment on my side Selfish, I know, but even ignoring that fact, she still has other benefits to gain from visiting me anyway, such as meeting up with friends and family, enjoying Asian food, etc. In any case, I really appreciate the sacrifice she made for me, so I reciprocated in kind and made sure she enjoyed her time here (and when we parted, she said she ...

Hi readers! It's been quite a while again since the last post (about a month). And just like I said in the comment of my last post, nothing really happens between us afterwards. It was probably my fault for not being there for her, but the difference in timezone at that time was really going to affect my work if we were to keep up our same routine when we were only 2-3 timezones away. Anyway, she's taken so that's probably for the best. Today's post wasn't supposed to be about her. It's about what I felt every time during this time of the year. What's with around this time of the year, you ask? It's the Vesak season, you uneducated moron (jk, I understand Buddhism doesn't get as much love in the "west" compared to other Asian religions. Funny that I used the word "west";  she was always so worked up every time I used the word to generalize cultures that are not "Asian"). Anyway, I digressed. Around this time of th...

This happened last night. Was depressed because I can't seem to make a conversation with her . Then suddenly a message from her came out of nowhere. She just said she couldn't sleep. Then I told her why I couldn't sleep too. And just like last time, her words were painfully accurate. I'm not sure why I'd use that word (painful). Probably because there isn't that many things in my life that is so accurate as that, that the unfamiliarity of the feeling being so precisely pointed out what is on my mind. She basically somehow managed to put into words what I have been doing: I'm struggling to match her personality. It was so spot on I was actually scared how she knows. She just said that it was apparent, and it kinda made me worry now if she (okay this is getting confusing) knows too. But anyway, for some reason I was in the mood of sharing more of my shittiness with her so I told her. Not sure if I have ever written it down in this blog before, but I am s...

Hi readers. Just had a talk with a friend. He is one with a really logical way of thinking. A little too logical for his own good sometimes... But that's beside the point of tonight's post. We talked about what I wrote in this post and he again told me how I take things too seriously. Like I need to take a chill pill and be less guarded about things. Well, I already know that I often take things too seriously (if I dare say it might actually be always, or almost all the time to be nice to myself), but I have no idea why I do, and how I can try not to be that way too much. I feel that I need to find out the reason why I am this way and work from there, but this piece (or pieces) of memory might be somewhere deep inside my psyche and might not be trivial to find out. So alternatively I could just consciously try to be more chill about things. It is definitely not going to be that easy, since it has become something like a character to me, and it is probably going to be easier...

Another 2 weeks another post! Just had an office holiday party last night and I (didn't) have a blast! Long story short. I invited her . Tried to enjoy myself by chugging on them booze. Didn't do a thing to my brain. If anything, it's my belly that felt that it gonna explode (upwards). She kinda enjoyed herself, I think. Like she was excited to meet some of my colleagues, but on the dance floor, I can tell she's not having nearly enough booze to let her hair down, but she tried anyway (I tried too. Too hard, too). After party, went to a bar. Left early / Bailed on her. (On the left is what she claimed was the way she saw it, on the right is the way I saw it). Anyway, talked to her and she said everything's good, even after I kinda pressed her to be honest with me. So I had no choice but to take her words for it. So, assuming she is being upfront, these are a few things I learn about myself: 1. I'm super closed. Well, I already knew this all along. But...

Hi readers! Quite a (relatively short) hiatus! I'm just back from a (kinda) long trip! Went to Jakarta to help out in a company event for university students, and then followed by my first ever visit to India, Chennai! Nothing much worth writing happened during those trip so I'm just gonna mention it here just so that I don't forget that these trips happened lol. The main reason I write this is to again, investigate what caused me to be in the state I am now. Currently I'm trying to better understand what is "wrong" with me. Here are the things that I think is "wrong" with me: 1. I have difficulty remembering details about some experiences and only remember what I "feel". The girl from  this post  also has the same issue which alarmed me. For example, say now I'm going to tell you about both my Jakarta and Chennai trip. I would say that in Jakarta I had fun hosting the event, but I can't remember/tell why it was the case. T...

Hi again reader(s?). So many posts the last few days, yeah? In the past I would say that this is a good thing but now... not so much. I met up with a friend, who, for some reason, I became close to out of a sudden. Probably due to situation. But anyway met up with her and chat up a bit. Okay, for the benefit of readers who don't know what I'm talking about, and for my future reference, I should write a little more about this girl. Met her in university. Nice girl, seemed to be able to connect with a lot of people easily. After a while, I realized she might be onto something. As in, something's not really right whenever I asked her about how "popular" she is. Today I found out that I was right; that she's been going through something similar to what I've been going through, but worse. Anyway, initially I wished to talk about dating stuff, since I felt that she has established implicitly (but strongly) that she sees me as just friend, or "bro...

The weekend has just passed and I don't feel refreshed at all.. I think this is the first weekend in a while when I don't really have any major happening. Last week there was Cakka , the previous week was my third date with her , I believe... And the previous week was the weekend when one of my housemate initiated a house outing for my sake. So I guess it has been at least a month since I first started trying to change . I tried to write down what I think so far, as well as how I feel about finally having the weekend free from it, and I can't seem to formulate it at all... Like when I tried to do it, they just don't flow. It feels that there is a contradiction somewhere that either I don't know, or I simply refuse to acknowledge. Is it because I don't like the change? My mind resisting the change? The weeks when the weekend was filled with activities and plans leave me tired at the end of the week. I'm not sure if I felt contented, but I *think* at the...

Hi readers! What a long week it has been... And finally I have the weekend all for myself!!! (for the most part...) Few updates. Believe it or not, the girl from this post is still willing to go out with me!! I have no idea why she'd want that... I feel that I have been a terrible date (or even by just-friend standard) so far... I was late for our first proper date (not a meetup just because she happens to be in the area) and again today... And I'm not sure how I did, but I think I still suck at keeping up with her as in the previous dates... :cry: :cry: A little trivia update, I was just interviewed by Transferwise people because they wanted to do a promotional video for their Asian market. Friendly bunch, but I was too preoccupied for the date in the evening, I didn't even get to ask the questions I wanted to ask, or even properly thank them for their awesome product :'((((( OR TO EVEN ACTUALLY DOCUMENT IT BY TAKING SELFIE OR WHATEVER. FUCK I'M GETTING ...

Hi readers, today turned out to be a very heavy day for my heart. Today was supposedly the day I plugged off from daily life and tried to learn as much as possible about Dhamma from this forum called Cakka (not sure how long the link is going to be up). Turned out to be the day I got bombarded with hard, cold truths of reality, and seems like some stupid conflict on top of it too... So started the day and the event started at 9. Came late and needed to embarrass myself to find where the people I'm signing up with were sitting (I don't have to but decided to do it since it might be awkward for them, I signed up with 2 other friends who don't know one another). FYI, one of them was her . Cutting the story short, I found out she is taken. Actually, she told me that she is. I didn't let myself skip a single beat, maintained my poise and managed to say an as-normal-as-possible "congrats". Followed by some questions that *I* think a normal frie...

Hi readers! Lots of updates in the past few days, huh? I guess I just happened to be having a rather happening week. A few interesting stuff for my future self to look back (and maybe for readers who know me personally and want to know the stuff that has been happening in my life), in brief: I just met one of my matches the second time earlier this week. So I met up with that girl from the previous post again on Monday, since she happened to be in the area in the evening. This time round she's more free so I had the chance to bring her around the office and talked more about ourselves. I learned and gained a lot of insights about many things. For one, that I might be more of an asshole than I thought I am. I kept putting labels on her like "foreigner", "American", all kinds of things (not necessarily super offensive, but still kinda weird and unbecoming of me. She kindly reminded me how that's something that people shouldn't be saying time and ...

Hi readers. I'm doing better now so please don't worry about me (if there is any readers left at this point, that is). For those who are out of the loop, simple check out my previous post , where I threw a textual tantrum about how I was lonely and desperate and stuff. I am not *that* depressed anymore, though I'm still sad by the fact that I didn't get to make full use of my teenage years to avoid the state of mind I'm in right now. But that's beside the point of what I wanted to write about in this post. Or actually it is, since technically it is inside my mind, and thus it overflows. Or maybe not really. I'm rambling. Moving on. So basically yeah, I'm doing much better now. I just decided to accept that fact and try to improve myself. Just a little update on what happened last weekend; I actually made a "dana" to a "bhante"!! (that's "donation" and "Buddhist monk/venerable" to you plebs. Jk, I meant non...

So here goes the long overdue mid-year reflection (follow-up to the new year resolution post ). 1. To go for most opportunities available Not sure how I can answer this. There are not that many things that came up in the first half of the year since I am on my final semester in NUS. However, I would say I kinda failed in this aspect because I didn't go to a meditation retreat (which is something I wanted to do during the break before work started) when I had the chance. There was no other opportunities of much significance afterwards; just some incidental opportunities such as networking with certain people (like my friend's mentor on Indo2SV programme, other people in my team from a different office) and some others. 2. To improve my communication skills (especially in Chinese and with girls) This is kinda hard to tell too. I went to Hong Kong so technically I practiced a little bit of Chinese... And I have been trying to speak a little Chinese here and there...

Hi readers! Firstly I apologize for abandoning this blog for 3 months! The first month was due to me being busy with schoolwork (it being my last semester as an undergrad and stuff). The next month was due to me being busy having fun traveling a bit (grad trip hype woots). And the last month was due to me being lazy... Sigh. It is now nearing the end of my very last long break before I start working for real. It seems that I didn't see the importance of making it *really* counts, despite it being my very last holiday as a student. I did fill it with some interesting things in the first few weeks as you can tell from the summary of my last 3 months in the first paragraph, however after I was back from those trips, I am back to the same old me, lazing about in my house doing nothing much but eat, sleep, and play. Did I do whatever I can to make it counts? Is it money that held me back from doing more? Or simply my laziness? Looking at my bank account right now, it seems ...

Another post on another month! Seems like either this is a very happening semester or I just have too much free time to post (it is the latter). I can't believe my journey in the university is coming to an end soon. And I am still the same inexperienced guy when it comes to girls, just like when I entered. What happened? Yesterday I watched a musical by the Indonesian community in NUS to support a friend. I did not even think to buy her a flower. After the performance, I had nothing much to say, not even requesting to take a picture with her and her gorgeous costume. In contrast, two years ago she performed in the same musical series and I took a picture with her, even gave her a friendly hug. What happened? At the same musical, I met her (the her from this post ). Actually, I met her a few hours before the event. We just spoke briefly, both parties awkwardly trying to end the conversation not awkwardly (even this whole sentence is awkward). After the event, we met aga...

Hi readers! It's just been a month since my last post! I am not actually neglecting my blog this year! Well, actually it is because I am having a chill semester this time, so I have quite a lot of time for myself. I must say I don't actually like it (!!!) because it makes me lazy and actually messes up my sleeping pattern even worse than when I was busy. This is because I ended up wasting my time playing games to fill in the spare time, and when you play games, you usually end up sleeping late because you are so into the game. Now, even when I tried to sleep earlier (1 or 2 am is considered "early" to me now), I would be unable to sleep because my mind is still very much awake, thinking about games and things that have been going on in my life, which is what I wanted to share now. As some of you readers might have known, I have been taking Chinese classes in my university, and it has become a habit of mine to put YouTube on autoplay playing Chinese songs whenever...

Hi readers! Didn't expect me to write the next post in the series of "Obligatory New Year Post"? I know it is a little late, since this year I spent it in my home country and I'm sharing my room with my brother. In the last few years, he had been studying in China and thus I usually had the room all by myself around the new year, and I got into reflective mood pretty quickly. Also, I am kinda (ok, REALLY) addicted to Civilization V . Moreover, I am worrying about my FYP all December too. Shortly, it is kinda hard to get into reflective mood these days. Finally here I am and here we go.

Hi readers! Seems like I've been trying to catch up with my lack of posts this year by posting in a window of 10 days before my last one (And contributing more to my lack of sleep)! But this is one of those midnight thoughts you have before you sleep, and I feel that it is too important to be let go and forgotten to the next day, so here goes. I thought I have written about this before, but apparently a quick search revealed that I didn't, but it seemed that I almost wrote about it but decided not to. To be exact, it was actually my first post ever . I remembered roughly what happened. I got into an argument with my friend, and he mentioned something that it was because I couldn't let go of my ego that I didn't manage to accomplish something. I knew he was right. However, I was probably in denial or something, I just got down and felt moody and stuff, just like what I wrote in the post. I didn't remember if I followed up after the realization, but probably not,...

Hi readers! Not a very long hiatus between posts this time round, eh? Count yourselves lucky, because I decided to update my blog just to keep a journal of something that happened last week. Just to give you a background information, I flew to Tianjin, China last Wednesday and just returned today.  The plan was for my family (and I) to attend my elder brother's graduation ceremony but because we bought our tickets before the graduation date is confirmed, it turned out that the graduation would be on Sunday and we already purchased our return tickets on Saturday. Despite the trip being extremely exhausting, things did not go as planned, and we ended up not doing what we intended to do for the trip (attending the graduation) it was nevertheless a fulfilling one for me.