Wtf, mind?
The weekend has just passed and I don't feel refreshed at all..
I think this is the first weekend in a while when I don't really have any major happening. Last week there was Cakka, the previous week was my third date with her, I believe... And the previous week was the weekend when one of my housemate initiated a house outing for my sake. So I guess it has been at least a month since I first started trying to change.
I tried to write down what I think so far, as well as how I feel about finally having the weekend free from it, and I can't seem to formulate it at all... Like when I tried to do it, they just don't flow. It feels that there is a contradiction somewhere that either I don't know, or I simply refuse to acknowledge. Is it because I don't like the change? My mind resisting the change?
The weeks when the weekend was filled with activities and plans leave me tired at the end of the week. I'm not sure if I felt contented, but I *think* at the very least I don't write melancholic posts at the end of those weekends (except for last week... That's an exception). This weekend when it is effectively free, I don't feel any better too... I feel emotionally drained. And now (like literally when I wrote it) I realized why: it's because of my last date with her. There are things that I leave the way I don't want it to be. And I'm not sure how she feels about it.
She tried to bring the conversation into something more meaningful. She tried hard, I can tell. However, I was so caught up with my baggages that I couldn't give her satisfactory answer (at least from my standard..) Now I'm not sure what she thinks of it/me. And it is consuming me.
I should talk to her to get the answer from her. It is time I man up and ask about it directly. I hope that it's just my distraught mind thinking too much as usual, but then again if it isn't, at least I can get some kind of proper closure, unlike what has been happening in my life so far.
Wish me all the best in this. And I wish you all the best in your life's endeavours.
I think this is the first weekend in a while when I don't really have any major happening. Last week there was Cakka, the previous week was my third date with her, I believe... And the previous week was the weekend when one of my housemate initiated a house outing for my sake. So I guess it has been at least a month since I first started trying to change.
I tried to write down what I think so far, as well as how I feel about finally having the weekend free from it, and I can't seem to formulate it at all... Like when I tried to do it, they just don't flow. It feels that there is a contradiction somewhere that either I don't know, or I simply refuse to acknowledge. Is it because I don't like the change? My mind resisting the change?
The weeks when the weekend was filled with activities and plans leave me tired at the end of the week. I'm not sure if I felt contented, but I *think* at the very least I don't write melancholic posts at the end of those weekends (except for last week... That's an exception). This weekend when it is effectively free, I don't feel any better too... I feel emotionally drained. And now (like literally when I wrote it) I realized why: it's because of my last date with her. There are things that I leave the way I don't want it to be. And I'm not sure how she feels about it.
She tried to bring the conversation into something more meaningful. She tried hard, I can tell. However, I was so caught up with my baggages that I couldn't give her satisfactory answer (at least from my standard..) Now I'm not sure what she thinks of it/me. And it is consuming me.
I should talk to her to get the answer from her. It is time I man up and ask about it directly. I hope that it's just my distraught mind thinking too much as usual, but then again if it isn't, at least I can get some kind of proper closure, unlike what has been happening in my life so far.
Wish me all the best in this. And I wish you all the best in your life's endeavours.
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