In search for the truth

Hi readers! Quite a (relatively short) hiatus! I'm just back from a (kinda) long trip! Went to Jakarta to help out in a company event for university students, and then followed by my first ever visit to India, Chennai! Nothing much worth writing happened during those trip so I'm just gonna mention it here just so that I don't forget that these trips happened lol.

The main reason I write this is to again, investigate what caused me to be in the state I am now. Currently I'm trying to better understand what is "wrong" with me. Here are the things that I think is "wrong" with me:

1. I have difficulty remembering details about some experiences and only remember what I "feel". The girl from this post also has the same issue which alarmed me. For example, say now I'm going to tell you about both my Jakarta and Chennai trip. I would say that in Jakarta I had fun hosting the event, but I can't remember/tell why it was the case. The Chennai trip was quite fun and insightful, but I can't really remember what I found insightful. I know that what made the trip fun was this one girl from India who grew up in a city near Chennai. She was one very friendly and enthusiastic girl. And now I'm having difficulty recalling what made me think that she has those qualities...

2. When speaking one-on-one with someone I'm not very close with, I would have difficulty "being myself", "opening up", or having any stand at all. Like for example, I wouldn't know what to say for fear of being weird, saying the wrong thing, and some other of what I think is irrational fears. Those fears are probably well founded, but because I was so caught up with it, I would have difficulty coming up with other things to say, which causes me not to have anything to say. (Not sure if that makes sense...)

3. In all of my attempt of romantic relationship with someone, I am always completely accommodating; trying to make me fit into her life without thinking of my own's. Probably because I don't have any? (that was a joking-not-joking kind of joke :'( ) If I can't fulfill that, it makes me think really lowly of myself and stresses me out. It is even worse if I perceive the girl to be a "strong, independent" one; my sense of inferiority just gets worse. That is probably why I can't help but always feel that she is being way too nice to a loser like me, whereas I feel waaay more comfortable with her because I had the impression that she is like me in a lot of ways, which made me think that we are on equal grounds (no one is better than the other). Not sure if that makes sense...

4. I have a super low self-esteem and is very uncertain of myself (probably the two are related). I'm always very unsure if whatever I'm thinking is correct/right/acceptable/stupid.

5. I just noticed that I find it hard to show that I care about someone. It's like "tsundere" except I can hide it so well the other party would really think that I am really aloof. Just realized that earlier today when a friend wanted to show me a blog where he wrote his deepest secrets/thoughts (similar to what I have here I think) and I straight away say that I'm fine if he didn't want to show it to me. Also, she has the impression that I am a very phlegmatic person, which really surprised me because I think a LOT about a LOT of things.

I think the reason I wrote this post (other than trying to solve this issue) is because I spent my day yesterday with a very interesting couple. One is an Indonesian and the other is half-Indonesian by blood, but practically he's 90% Singaporean. I noticed how despite them being together, they aren't being overly accommodative to each other and still retain their identities. She generally speaks English to him, but she also often speaks Indonesian too, even though she knows full well that his Indonesian isn't that good; him on the other hand speaks English to her intermitted with few Indonesian to accommodate her. Both have some degree of "accommodating" to each other but not too much. Because of this observation, I think to myself that probably I've been making connections with people the wrong way; I have always mirrored the English proficiency level of my conversation partner. While it might be good for a surface-level kinds of conversation, when it comes to making a deeper connection, it might not be the case. I'm not sure if this is the right conclusion to make, because I find it difficult to instantiate my conclusion now that I need to form it in words... Maybe I'm taking the wrong conclusion after all.

Tired. And tomorrow is Monday. Gotta sleep then. All the best in your life endeavors, readers.