Facing the Truth(?)
Hi again reader(s?). So many posts the last few days, yeah? In the past I would say that this is a good thing but now... not so much.
I met up with a friend, who, for some reason, I became close to out of a sudden. Probably due to situation. But anyway met up with her and chat up a bit. Okay, for the benefit of readers who don't know what I'm talking about, and for my future reference, I should write a little more about this girl.
Met her in university. Nice girl, seemed to be able to connect with a lot of people easily. After a while, I realized she might be onto something. As in, something's not really right whenever I asked her about how "popular" she is. Today I found out that I was right; that she's been going through something similar to what I've been going through, but worse.
Anyway, initially I wished to talk about dating stuff, since I felt that she has established implicitly (but strongly) that she sees me as just friend, or "bro" at most. And she has some experience in dating and she understands people like me very well. It started off that way alright; and she shared with me that many people close to us are experiencing the same struggle as me (getting into relationship and all). It was quite useful; basically need to put myself into it to really know what I want. She also told me that communication is really important, how she feels me that people like "us" who don't have a real hobby find it difficult in maintaining conversation and make ourselves interesting to the other party. She suggested me to pick up a hobby and try to stick to it for a bit and see if I enjoy it; she stressed that it is going to be tough at the beginning, but after a certain threshold you'd find out if you should continue or pick up a new one. Damn was I glad to talk to her!
I wasn't sure, but the conversation went towards about how I have been having dark thoughts lately, and I talked about the existence of this blog, but I didn't share the link to her. Not yet, at least. I felt that sharing it to too many person at such a short period of time is not healthy. After a few more sentences exchanged, I found out that she's been going through similar thoughts, but worse. She told me that she has been going to counseling service and that she found it helpful. Then she told me a few things about how her past painful experiences, bit by bit, made her the way she is today. I could relate to her so well that I start to worry about myself: do I need counseling too? The symptoms are just too relatable..
Let me try to dig out some of the experiences that made me what I am today: a distrustful, passionless guy who is just getting by life day by day.
The heartbreak from secondary school. I probably haven't really got over it after all.
My family has never been really close, or maybe it's just me who is not close to my family. Possibly something I have said in the past to my parents and the way they react to it made me distrust them, and then I decided never to share my problems with them again.
It was possibly my Dad, who used to be really hard on me whenever I made a mistake. My relationship with him has never really improved. He tries his best to improve his relationship with me, but something in my subconscious mind prevents me from having a deep connection with him - or even any connection with him at all. It seems the scar was pretty deep there.
I don't think I have ever had any problem with my mom. One painful experience I'd never forget was during one of my trips to Singapore (before I actually stay here long-term), she slapped my hand really hard when I was being rude to my aunt/uncle, I can't really remember. I'm not sure why that particular experience in particular is really strongly etched in my mind though. Probably a session with a counselor or two would help me remember.
How my friends trolled me by changing my crush's contact to another friend's number and made me believes that she likes me back. That might have left quite a scar in my psyche; I find it really hard to believe that any girls want me at all. For all I know it could be a ruse. Or she's just trying to manipulate me. Just like how my friends manipulated my heart.
WOW. I really didn't realize that I could come up with those. These experiences seem quite right in explaining why I am the way I am now. Not close to my family. Distrusts people. Low self-esteem when I'm trying to make meaningful relationship with girls.
Another thing I remember now: I used to mull over how can people be so harsh when they are trolling friends. Like how my friends made me believe that my crush liked me back. How they kept bullying my roommate (playfully?) for entertainment. I can't really remember much details now but I remember how I felt. Like I felt so out of place. Am I the one being too serious? Should I be more playful and taking it easy like them?
Actually, it might actually go even more way back. I didn't let any of my friends know when I was down with dengue. They were really surprised when they found out and I was already about to be discharged from hospital. I remember we had a conference call (I didn't even know that we could do that back then!) with my closest friends back then. I can't really remember the details, nor what I felt exactly. Maybe I'll edit this when I remember (spoiler: that means never. or maybe in another post).
And I might know why I had that issue. In junior high back in my home country, I have this one classmate who is everyone's punching bag. He is basically getting bullied non-stop everyday, almost incessantly. I felt pity for him, but I was scared that if I look friendly to him, then the rest would shun me too, so I did nothing. I even joined in the bullies a few times. Not sure why he was still willing to be friends with me back then. Not sure what happens to him now. I hope he is well...
Anyway, I think that experience taught me that people can be two-faced just like myself. They might be putting on mask to make me feel happy, but was actually talking about me behind my back. I'm not sure if I'm totally nailed the reason and the story behind it though. Doesn't seem like a perfect match but that will do for now. But nevertheless, I am sure that something made me think that people are not as nice as they seemed, which made me just like the person I feared the most: nice in their face, but talks shit behind their back.
Need to find out what caused that. I think only then I'd be able to get out of this mess.
A couple more things I just remembered: back in primary school.
A girl who is like a boy. A mean one at that. She drew on my drawing book and made it a mess. I can't remember if I cried, but I remember she called me a whiner/sissy (not sure what's best English word for this). I think that left a scar somewhere since I still remember it (though not very well).
Enough bad memories for now. I'm amazed by how much memory I have been blocking all these while. All the bad memories popping up one by one as if beckoned. I should totally get back to this one day and sort things out.
It is really satisfying to finally be able to dig out all these possible root causes. Hopefully this will really help in my healing. To the readers who haven't got themselves out of whatever struggle/misery they're in, all the best in your endeavours! :)
I met up with a friend, who, for some reason, I became close to out of a sudden. Probably due to situation. But anyway met up with her and chat up a bit. Okay, for the benefit of readers who don't know what I'm talking about, and for my future reference, I should write a little more about this girl.
Met her in university. Nice girl, seemed to be able to connect with a lot of people easily. After a while, I realized she might be onto something. As in, something's not really right whenever I asked her about how "popular" she is. Today I found out that I was right; that she's been going through something similar to what I've been going through, but worse.
Anyway, initially I wished to talk about dating stuff, since I felt that she has established implicitly (but strongly) that she sees me as just friend, or "bro" at most. And she has some experience in dating and she understands people like me very well. It started off that way alright; and she shared with me that many people close to us are experiencing the same struggle as me (getting into relationship and all). It was quite useful; basically need to put myself into it to really know what I want. She also told me that communication is really important, how she feels me that people like "us" who don't have a real hobby find it difficult in maintaining conversation and make ourselves interesting to the other party. She suggested me to pick up a hobby and try to stick to it for a bit and see if I enjoy it; she stressed that it is going to be tough at the beginning, but after a certain threshold you'd find out if you should continue or pick up a new one. Damn was I glad to talk to her!
I wasn't sure, but the conversation went towards about how I have been having dark thoughts lately, and I talked about the existence of this blog, but I didn't share the link to her. Not yet, at least. I felt that sharing it to too many person at such a short period of time is not healthy. After a few more sentences exchanged, I found out that she's been going through similar thoughts, but worse. She told me that she has been going to counseling service and that she found it helpful. Then she told me a few things about how her past painful experiences, bit by bit, made her the way she is today. I could relate to her so well that I start to worry about myself: do I need counseling too? The symptoms are just too relatable..
Let me try to dig out some of the experiences that made me what I am today: a distrustful, passionless guy who is just getting by life day by day.
The heartbreak from secondary school. I probably haven't really got over it after all.
My family has never been really close, or maybe it's just me who is not close to my family. Possibly something I have said in the past to my parents and the way they react to it made me distrust them, and then I decided never to share my problems with them again.
It was possibly my Dad, who used to be really hard on me whenever I made a mistake. My relationship with him has never really improved. He tries his best to improve his relationship with me, but something in my subconscious mind prevents me from having a deep connection with him - or even any connection with him at all. It seems the scar was pretty deep there.
I don't think I have ever had any problem with my mom. One painful experience I'd never forget was during one of my trips to Singapore (before I actually stay here long-term), she slapped my hand really hard when I was being rude to my aunt/uncle, I can't really remember. I'm not sure why that particular experience in particular is really strongly etched in my mind though. Probably a session with a counselor or two would help me remember.
How my friends trolled me by changing my crush's contact to another friend's number and made me believes that she likes me back. That might have left quite a scar in my psyche; I find it really hard to believe that any girls want me at all. For all I know it could be a ruse. Or she's just trying to manipulate me. Just like how my friends manipulated my heart.
WOW. I really didn't realize that I could come up with those. These experiences seem quite right in explaining why I am the way I am now. Not close to my family. Distrusts people. Low self-esteem when I'm trying to make meaningful relationship with girls.
Another thing I remember now: I used to mull over how can people be so harsh when they are trolling friends. Like how my friends made me believe that my crush liked me back. How they kept bullying my roommate (playfully?) for entertainment. I can't really remember much details now but I remember how I felt. Like I felt so out of place. Am I the one being too serious? Should I be more playful and taking it easy like them?
Actually, it might actually go even more way back. I didn't let any of my friends know when I was down with dengue. They were really surprised when they found out and I was already about to be discharged from hospital. I remember we had a conference call (I didn't even know that we could do that back then!) with my closest friends back then. I can't really remember the details, nor what I felt exactly. Maybe I'll edit this when I remember (spoiler: that means never. or maybe in another post).
And I might know why I had that issue. In junior high back in my home country, I have this one classmate who is everyone's punching bag. He is basically getting bullied non-stop everyday, almost incessantly. I felt pity for him, but I was scared that if I look friendly to him, then the rest would shun me too, so I did nothing. I even joined in the bullies a few times. Not sure why he was still willing to be friends with me back then. Not sure what happens to him now. I hope he is well...
Anyway, I think that experience taught me that people can be two-faced just like myself. They might be putting on mask to make me feel happy, but was actually talking about me behind my back. I'm not sure if I'm totally nailed the reason and the story behind it though. Doesn't seem like a perfect match but that will do for now. But nevertheless, I am sure that something made me think that people are not as nice as they seemed, which made me just like the person I feared the most: nice in their face, but talks shit behind their back.
Need to find out what caused that. I think only then I'd be able to get out of this mess.
A couple more things I just remembered: back in primary school.
A girl who is like a boy. A mean one at that. She drew on my drawing book and made it a mess. I can't remember if I cried, but I remember she called me a whiner/sissy (not sure what's best English word for this). I think that left a scar somewhere since I still remember it (though not very well).
Enough bad memories for now. I'm amazed by how much memory I have been blocking all these while. All the bad memories popping up one by one as if beckoned. I should totally get back to this one day and sort things out.
It is really satisfying to finally be able to dig out all these possible root causes. Hopefully this will really help in my healing. To the readers who haven't got themselves out of whatever struggle/misery they're in, all the best in your endeavours! :)
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