Of Squandering My Blessings and Courage to Fight Against My Conditioning

 Hi readers, it's been a while, as usual. And of course, I didn't (or haven't) finish my supposed multi-part story of my Thailand trip! I want to say I apologize, but then I'm not even sure if anyone is still reading this nowadays (even I don't read things in here after I posted it) so maybe there's no point to apologize since I'd be apologizing to no one lol. But anyway, another post, another melancholic(-ish) story! But don't worry, I try not to pity myself too much (I'm not in that mental state anyway, or so I think).

Not sure if I shared this in my Thailand story post, but I kinda made a "wish", an "intention", to have a fruitful retreat, which happened and more, but unfortunately I'm too lazy to write it down to share here. But anyway (and also unfortunately), this post is not about that. Even though I did wish to have a fruitful retreat, not gonna lie that it took me a while to make up my mind on that wish - and one thing that definitely surfaced on my mind was to have a suitable partner. It kinda feels like that pre-wish is also "trying to come true", but I'm kinda in the way of that from happening.

1. I got a match on a dating app. She was a-ma-zing. She was simple, straightforward, kind, sweet, honest, caring. She is from China, so her English wasn't very good when speaking, but despite that, she's always able to speak her mind very clearly and eloquently, though I must say it was much more incredibly so in text. Also she speaks Chinese very slowly and clearly by nature (she said she didn't slow down deliberately because of me) so I was even able to hang out with her speaking Chinese 90% of the time. She wants simple things in life, she has no weird quirks (or at least none discovered yet). She's just not very social, but I really didn't mind that. But I was going back to my bad habits so quickly after feeling secure with her. Or maybe I was just scared that we're going too fast. But basically I was just finding excuses not to advance our relationship too quickly, finding faults in her. I could barely come up with anything - only that she's more comfortable speaking Chinese and that she's not a Buddhist. Sometimes I'd go back to my senses and push that aside, but it kept coming back trying to hold me back from going all out (or is it all in?) She felt insecure with me being uncertain with those random things about her that she stalked my dating app profile while I was overseas, and one thing led to another and she broke up with me because she found out that I maintain contact (actually very close friendship) with a girl I have romantic interest in (though I had no intention to pursue her. It's her, btw).

2. Just tonight (the reason why I write this, of course!), I went for a gathering of readers/supporters/fans of this website about practical Buddhist teachings. I went on my own because the only other friend I knew would come (she's an unofficial part of the group) decided to bail for another respectable reason. That being said, I was quite sure I'm going to see people I know there - after all, I'm already familiar with some people in the young adults Buddhist circles in Singapore. They organized a very good event, I enjoyed every minute of it. And life played a very fun trick on me. Long story short, they are doing these ummm games (for the lack of better word) that encourage sharing and interacting with others in the room, and for some reason I ended up randomly approaching a random girl that look quite attractive (to me at least). Talking to her was quite fun (even though she's a bit lost I think she enjoyed herself too) and I planned to exchange number with her when the event ended, but when it did, I went to the restroom with my bag already on me, and then returning to the venue felt... awkward (it was behind a secure opaque door, you need to ring a bell and stuff). So I let my fear made the decision and decided against going back there, and then go back home on my own. It was miserable, especially after such a fun evening. Felt like I lost an opportunity to make an "organic" connection, as some of my friends put it...

So there you have it. How I've been squandering what could've been "easy wins" if only I were mindful enough to go against my instincts, my conditionings that I've built upon myself for years...

For #1, I think it's better for me not to reach back out to her, especially since the main reason she ended things haven't been resolved yet (that's another post for another day, which may/will never come). For #2, if I put in enough effort, I think I'd be able to connect with her, though I'm not sure if it's even worth it. Maybe I'll try something... Or just hope there's a next get-together and I'll get to see her again then (which is super unlikely. Turns out she's not Buddhist and the gathering just now might have been a little too Buddhist, not sure).

Anyway, just wanted to write this down so that the next time the opportunity presents itself, I'd have the mindfulness and courage to fight against my conditioning. And finally let my "destiny" (or just my wish, really... lol) to come true.

Wish me all the best, and I also wish you all the best in your life's endeavours! :D