House, Health, and Happiness

 Happiness is such an elusive thing. When I was young (actually even now), many people would equate having a lot of money as the key to happiness. There are also posts in social media saying about how money doesn't buy happiness, and about how many rich people are living very stressful lives, dying young, falling into sickness with weird complications. Oddly enough, I have first hand experience on this.

I recalled the initial idea of why I started looking for house in the first place. Awalnya karena gw lumayan ga suka sama rumah gw yg baru ini di TB. Low floor, poor layout dan smaller master room (at least compared to the Commonwealth one). Always very noisy in the morning (and in random time of the day sometimes). I hated the fact that I have to deal with housemates to decide what to do with common area stuff, prefering to either just follow along or decide unilaterally without considering the consequence to others.

I hate that I keep seeing dirty sinks every day. I hate to see bedsheet in the drying area every day. I hate seeing the fridge filled with expired or worse, rotten stuff. I hate having to tell people what to do, hoping that they'd just know what to do without me telling them ("tau diri"). I hate every aspect of living together. I want a change in environment!

I think of how nice it would be to learn how to cook, not having to worry about some of the utensils may still be unwashed in the sink. How nice it would be to plant things, see them grow, water them every day (or whenever suitable), deciding what to plant, harvesting them when the time is right. Not having to worry about my roommates judging me about it.

Ah yes I also hate how one of my roommate likes to judge/belittle/invalidate the things that I do. Not sure if they're intending that, but at least they always speak in a tone that comes across as such. It surely impacted me negatively. I myself become a person like that, someone that I don't like, always invalidating and belittling others who are different from me. Being edgy and calous. I hate it. I hate the person I'm becoming. And I was hoping that getting my own place will change *everything*.

The (unspoken) theory is that I will interact with him less and thus I should be less impacted by his actions, and thus I should eventually turn into a better person, someone that I like better. But I think I slowly realizing that life doesn't work that way. My behavior is influenced by people around me, and anyway I do need people around me to act as avenue for me to exhibit my behavior and to provide feedback on my actions. Actually is that why I'm generally very closed up, because I don't like myself and internally think, "Once I'm over this phase, I can be a better person and finally show who I really am." And of course, that day never comes. And I just turn into someone who can't be read, because I barely ever expose anything about myself.

So it seems like that's why I've been trying to hang around with DAYWA people and all my other Buddhist friends more and be more close to them. Hoping that some of their tendencies can stick to me. But I'm having difficulty exposing myself to them more, since I deep down don't like the person I have become, and wanted to learn more about how to behave from them.

I feel like I don't even know myself. Or maybe actually very insecure and not confident about myself. I have no idea to whom I should rely on, to whom I should look up and make as my reference of reason.

People say that I should just be myself, but I feel like I'm not good enough.

Dropping every thing, not caring about what other people think of me, what kind of house would I have gotten?

The Commonwealth house? Even that house doesn't have a balcony? What was the thing that I like about that house anyway?

The feeling of familiarity?

The fact that it feels very bright all the time?

The fact that it's very large and spacious?

Actually even when I first enter the place, it already felt nice.

Actually the place kinda suck now since there are less food options. (or have to walk a bit further)

Truth be told, there's not much food option in the first place. Most of the food options there in the evening are kinda terrible...

Are all these just in my head?

In any case, now this house dealing is taking a toll on both my health and happiness.

If I proceed, will it cause me even more suffering on both fronts? Or it'll all be worth it?

I know deep down that it won't. Even if I could rent it out at 7000/month, I'll still be feeling the headache of paying for the tax, maintenance fee, fixes...

More posessions, more headache and stress indeed.

What I would rather do with the money? Or without anyway?

Get a cheaper house at around the same size for my own stay.

Something that won't stretch me out of my mind.

A bit far from MRT is fine. As long as it's still accessible by bus. And has amenities around.

Do I have example experience living like that?

Whitehaven?

How's the price like anyway?

Should I even worry about exit if I plan to stay there myself?

So much things to wonder...

And now I'm burning another midnight oil. Should I go for a run anyway tomorrow?

Maybe I should take it easy tomorrow, wfh and all. Then I can gain enough energy to go for a run.

I need a lot of courage in my current endeavours...