Unconditional Kindness (and It Goes On...)

 Many things happened recently, I don't have time to write and process them all :') but let's try doing it slowly one by one. Not in order, but whichever one I feel like processing in the moment. This time round, I wish to process about unconditional kindness. This is somewhat related to unconditional giving or generosity as well. This and about its impact on my own gracefulness in receiving kindness/generosity from others.

The reason this came across my mind is due to a recent conversation I had with a girl I met late last year. I don't really want to say "I dated her" because I stopped having feelings for her on the second date, despite still meeting up with her almost every week for a month before finally telling her how I felt. Reason of  me still meeting her may or may not be apparent in this post.

During our last meet up last Sunday, one thing led to another, and I said something like "I have no idea why you are being so nice to me" and she kinda said "I'm like this to everyone", and then she said she's reminded of an incident with her friends, where she just kinda being friendly to someone who was topping up a fresh orange juice vending machine, and the person just kinda gave her a few of the oranges. She just received it happily, but her friends started digging up their purse to pay the guy back. From this experience, she concluded that people who can just receive the gifts happily are people who do give unconditionally, and people who start digging up for their purse are people who don't.

Now, I know the more intellectually inclined in the audience (if there's any reader at all lol) will start to say that there are a million other reasons why the people in the story reacted the way they did: maybe this girl I dated is just happy-go-lucky kind of person (which is true); or maybe in this case, it makes sense for the person to give oranges away randomly since these kinds of things will always have extra). I hear you and I do think of those other reasons as well. But I think regardless of the truth in that particular scenario, the concluding statement she made has some truth to it.

I've always thought that I'm considered a generous person (not the most generous but generous enough). I often donations to charity, be it Buddhist-affiliated or otherwise. Every time I'm approached by someone representing a charitable foundation doing fundraising roadshow, I'll always stop and make a donation. I also almost always make a donation to the Buddhist society I regularly visit (and help out in) every week. I think with the above evidence, most people would agree with my initial thought.

I would say I'm also someone who finds it very difficult to receive kindness, generosity from others. At least from those I don't know, or those I don't know very well, or those who I know I'd never see them again and thus would never able to repay their kindness. You may see something here. I can only receive kindness or generosity if I know I can, and am willing, to pay it back in some way some day. But that's never the point of kindness or giving. At least the unconditional one. It's just to make the other person happy (or maybe the giver too), but it's never about what material thing that the giver would get in return.

Based on the above, reflecting on my "generosities" so far, I've only given mostly out of gratitude of the benefit I've received (e.g. I'm grateful of the Buddhist society for organizing Sunday service and inviting awesome speakers), or out of hope of getting something in return, or for something good to happen to me. While gratitude is also a wholesome mental state, but in a way it's kinda the same as "payment" of the benefits I've received. Which kinda limits the full potential the act of giving can have to my mind.

I think this can be extended to kindness as well. And I do realize that I am only kind and friendly to people when they are kind and friendly to me first. Again, I could always make excuses that I'm shy, not confident, low self-esteem etc etc. All of that might be true (I really shouldn't invalidate my feelings. Sorry, self!), but it still demonstrates how my kindness is not really pure/unconditional, which can explain why I find it hard to receive kindness from others.

This one old friend of mine often says that I have very high standard of myself, and I think it's true, but I think it's also due to my environment. I have the fortunate (or maybe misfortune) of being surrounded by people of high virtue, which makes me feel that I'm not good enough to be on the same circle as them.

Wow this thing just keeps building on itself. Now I can even write about one of the reason why I have low self-esteem/confidence in myself. Maybe I'm just really in the company of high-achievers, both in intellect and virtue. Not that I am dumb and is a piece-of-shit excuse of a human lol (ok my low self-esteem is not *that* bad but it can feel like that whenever I'm around females I find attractive, and people I find highly virtuous).

And now I just thought of why I am very reluctant to make friends with certain people. Because I do see them as "piece-of-shit excuse of a human" if they don't meet what I think is the minimum standard of decent human being. I think that's why I think so lowly of myself around my attractive and virtuous friends. The way I see myself is the way I see others! Or the way I compare myself against others is the way I compare others against myself! Omg it's just one revelation after another.

Now I'm not sure what to do next. Maybe worth talking about this with someone I trust.

Anyway, it's late now. Gonna stop here for now for my tomorrow's self's sake.

All the best in your life's endeavours!