Obligatory New Year Post 8 Part 2

 Whew, last night was quite an emotional roller coaster! I'm happy that my life direction so far has brought me enough mindful awareness not to wallow in that self pity too much and attempted to move the mind towards something more peaceful/wholesome (though the level of success still leaves something to be desired). I need to maintain the perspective that getting to know a girl is not about making the girl likes you - it's about knowing each other well and assess the compatibility, though I must say currently it's not quite that simple. It's currently about a choice - whether I want to take the risk and put myself in an uncomfortable but exciting situation or.. take a slower and gradual approach.

The risk-taking approach is obviously by getting to know this new girl better even more, while trying not to lose myself into trying to fit in too much. The slower and gradual approach would be... to find someone else who fits my current personality and tendencies more. I got to say, it's a very tempting approach. But it's been the approach I'm taking so far and it hasn't really born fruit (guess I'm too slow, or I just don't feel the results yet). I feel getting to know this girl more will let me learn more about myself more than sticking to the more tempting approach.

Reading my previous year's obligatory post, this year's one feels like such a let down. I seemed to be on a good trajectory of self-discovery then, what happened??

Well, I'll tell you what happened. This happened. I think getting over that was very tough. After that, something else happened, which I unfortunately didn't write in this blog, but tl;dr: I confessed to this girl, and then retracted it again. I'm not sure if it was the stupidest or the best decision I made in my life (only time will tell, or maybe depends on how I continue with this), but it surely made me see things a little differently.

I guess in a way the year can still be considered a continuation of the journey of self-discovery, though a more painful one. I learned that I still have issues to resolve on the relationship front.

Another thing I learned is that I don't have a clear north star to lead me in my life. Without it, choosing a life partner becomes very difficult - literally everyone that crosses the looks bar (and probably of sensible moral) is a candidate. This is probably partly because I was desperate, but I think I'm starting to see the value in having a more clearly-defined objectives. With it, the doubts that often appears as I got closer to a girl will be easier to address.

But how do I define that objective? Or in the words of the new girl - my vision board? I'm aware that everything has pros and cons, and it's just about making the best of it. So I guess the issue is with ensuring that my partner is of the same mind. But even with that principle, there'll still be things that one can't negotiate with. I think these are the things that I haven't been able to identify clearly.

I guess in a way, by bringing myself closer to her, it helps me to discover if this is the life direction I'd like to bring myself towards. It is a very tempting one, a life full of excitement and joy. But maybe I should try to understand what she's like exactly first before making assumptions.

Maybe yet another thing to share from 2023 that I wish my future-end-2024 self would see, is the story Ajahn Brahm shared with me personally on his 10-min interview session in the retreat I participated in right before Kathina last year, where I asked him how I can open the door to my heart, when it's been closed for so long that I don't even remember why it's closed. Not sure if it was a real story or not, but he shared with me how he was a good, obedient kid who did well in school. There's one day at school where his dad came to see him, and asked if he had any lesson that afternoon, and he said he did. The dad then said something like, "Well, that's a pity, because I have this pair of football match tickets." If my memory serves me correctly, he specifically mentioned it was the World Cup qualifier or something, of England vs Poland, in the Wembley Stadium. He said to his dad that he couldn't, because the next class was this class that's taught by the discipline master of the school, and obviously that teacher was feared by the students. The dad told him to just ask the teacher anyway, since he's been doing well in that subject and some other reasons. He initially hesitated, but he went ahead and asked anyway. To his surprise, the discipline master lets him go. So, he spent the afternoon with his dad, having a time of his life with his dad.

That's the whole story, he didn't really tell me what's the meaning, and after talking with a few friends, I think we figured that what he's trying to say is, to just ask for permission for the door to my heart to be opened. It's like I've lived my whole life assuming that the door is closed, and thus I just lived that way, not knowing that the door can be opened any time, all I need to do is to ask for permission, to allow it to be opened.

Well, I haven't really tried this yet because every time I remember this story, I was already too tired to do serious meditation (like now), but hopefully I remember to do it at some point (hopefully sooner than later, like tomorrow would be nice!) But I'm wondering if it also applies in this case - to allow myself to try this life that I wouldn't even think about doing if she has never entered my life?

Here's for another year of learning and growth. Hope I can keep things in perspective and internalize all the learnings needed to bring my life closer towards my happiness.

All the best in your life's endeavours. My life right now really feels like one right now :')