Taken

Hi readers, today turned out to be a very heavy day for my heart.

Today was supposedly the day I plugged off from daily life and tried to learn as much as possible about Dhamma from this forum called Cakka (not sure how long the link is going to be up). Turned out to be the day I got bombarded with hard, cold truths of reality, and seems like some stupid conflict on top of it too...

So started the day and the event started at 9. Came late and needed to embarrass myself to find where the people I'm signing up with were sitting (I don't have to but decided to do it since it might be awkward for them, I signed up with 2 other friends who don't know one another). FYI, one of them was her.

Cutting the story short, I found out she is taken.

Actually, she told me that she is.

I didn't let myself skip a single beat, maintained my poise and managed to say an as-normal-as-possible "congrats". Followed by some questions that *I* think a normal friend would ask when they just found out that their friend is attached. In short, I found out she is attached to her senior by one year, who happens to be her manager at work too. Of different faith. I was just listing the things that came to my mind that are red flags about her relationship. Initially, it was because I was hoping that the relationship is short-lived, but now I start to worry for her if she ever happens to break up with him...

Some other notable things about her getting attached. It was around the period when she just graduated. Might she be waiting for someone or was that guy waiting for her to graduate? I must sound really desperate and hopeful at the same time in that previous sentence...

The other friend. Someone who's kinda like me. Found that she is attractive too. Basically putting into words the things I like about her. But he also said how I was someone he cherished, and he'd never cross me intentionally. I should cherish him too for that. Not easy to find someone like that, and I really need the encouragement.

Went back to my house. Chatting with my app matches and for some reason one of it turned into a very serious chat. Just put me into perspective how much of a fool I must've been to the girls I've been matched with (only 2 as of now, fortunately) as well as all other girls I've tried to woo before (should be less than a handful). They can get into serious mode and talk about life etc in a jiffy and here I am struggling to even start texting a match that had been given to me (2 expires before I had even said a single freaking word....) Really put things into perspective.

I slammed the door on my housemates although I didn't really mean to. Now the person I usually confided in is pissed at me and I have no idea if he's going to forgive me anytime soon because he was very tired too, not useful to ask him to forgive me then and there.

The only consolation today is the realization I had to day how much impact I've made into someone's life (without realizing it). I appreciate him (yeah, it's the same dude as the one who I go to the event with today) for telling me that, and that keeps me going for now.

That is all for now. I gonna try to cry myself to sleep. I can't even cry even if I try to nowadays, not sure if I have become exceedingly efficient at holding back tears or I have some physical defects that I need to attend to. All the best in your life endeavors, readers. Surely I hope you don't have to go through the same as me. It. Sucks.