What Happened?

Another post on another month! Seems like either this is a very happening semester or I just have too much free time to post (it is the latter).

I can't believe my journey in the university is coming to an end soon. And I am still the same inexperienced guy when it comes to girls, just like when I entered. What happened?

Yesterday I watched a musical by the Indonesian community in NUS to support a friend. I did not even think to buy her a flower. After the performance, I had nothing much to say, not even requesting to take a picture with her and her gorgeous costume. In contrast, two years ago she performed in the same musical series and I took a picture with her, even gave her a friendly hug. What happened?

At the same musical, I met her (the her from this post). Actually, I met her a few hours before the event. We just spoke briefly, both parties awkwardly trying to end the conversation not awkwardly (even this whole sentence is awkward). After the event, we met again, just exchanging a few words before I hurriedly excused myself before things got awkward again. I did not even ask her about the things she told me she had been worrying about. What happened?

I wanted to get in touch again with her (the her from this post). I remember writing I wanted to ping her "soon" quite sometime ago (I can't find the post now, probably I didn't write it in the end), but until now, I still haven't done it yet despite a relatively relaxed semester. What happened?

I have been seeing this financial advisor, and lately I feel that I am getting closer and closer to her. Just now, she accompanied me down to the first floor, up to just outside the office building (instead of only up to the elevator like she always does). Thing is I'm not sure if we are just close as in consultant-client-close, or friend-close? I can't even differentiate friendliness and good service. Or do they overlap? I do not know! What happened?

I know. Actually I know exactly why all those things happen. I just don't have the courage - or I haven't let go of my ego enough - to act in the way that make things turn out differently. Always taking the safe, easy way out. This results in me not knowing what to do in certain situations when I was required to make an action on the spot, and in which case, I would always choose the easy way out - nothing. Because of that, I don't even know what it is like a normal friendship with a girl, much less understanding signals from girls, even much less knowing how to act upon it. And it has been getting worse.

Pretty sure I have rambled and complained and despaired about this countless of times in this blog, even with the low post count. And yet, I have done nothing to change it. I am not sure why. Probably because I do not know how? Or have I not learned to let go of my ego? Maybe I am just not consistent enough in my effort. I probably should make this my top priority for this year's resolution, before it's too late.

I should stop before I bore any more reader with this. Please wish me luck in this endeavour.