Reflection: Ego

Hi readers! Seems like I've been trying to catch up with my lack of posts this year by posting in a window of 10 days before my last one (And contributing more to my lack of sleep)! But this is one of those midnight thoughts you have before you sleep, and I feel that it is too important to be let go and forgotten to the next day, so here goes.

I thought I have written about this before, but apparently a quick search revealed that I didn't, but it seemed that I almost wrote about it but decided not to. To be exact, it was actually my first post ever. I remembered roughly what happened. I got into an argument with my friend, and he mentioned something that it was because I couldn't let go of my ego that I didn't manage to accomplish something. I knew he was right. However, I was probably in denial or something, I just got down and felt moody and stuff, just like what I wrote in the post. I didn't remember if I followed up after the realization, but probably not, since I am still not improving much from that experience, as far as I remember.

So, problem with my ego. I'm not sure how many of you readers have realized (if I have any readers, that is) that I have a very high ego. Note that this does not translate to high confidence or self-esteem. It is more like I don't like to be perceived as something I see is inferior to me. Like, I am in denial that I have certain shortcomings, and avoid myself from doing things that would inevitably or inadvertently show it, because I don't wish anyone to see me that way. For example, I don't like to be seen as a foreigner in Singapore (or anywhere for that matter). I always like to blend in with my surroundings. What I mean by this is that in social settings, for example, I don't want people to treat me or talk to me differently just because I am a foreigner. I would feel like an outcast (although probably the point of them treating or talking to me differently is because they want to be inclusive!). When someone told me that I sound Singaporean, or don't sound Indonesian, it made me very happy. Like, it fulfils my ego that I am unlike those other Indonesians (no offense intended!) who speak with a very thick Indonesian accent. That I am better than them. That's just one example. I can mention tonnes more.

This high ego is really a big hindrance to my development as a person. For example, I realized that my English proficiency has been deteriorating over the years due to less interaction with the locals, but my ego prevented me to acknowledge the issue and act on it. I realized that the reason I don't talk to girls anymore is because I don't want to be seen like a fool, and because of that I am getting more and more like a fool every time I'm around girls. I also realized that the real reason I turned down a lot of opportunities is because my ego doesn't like me failing. Other factors may play a role in the abovementioned issues but I am sure ego plays a huge one.

Now that I have penned down (typed down?) this, I have to remind myself to get this thing on the next year's resolution: to let go of my ego (rhymes!) There are a lot of things I wanted to do, but I didn't because of my ego. Asking someone out. Going for some social events. Travelling. Telling people I love them (them: my family members, not an SO yet because I never had one..). Make more Chinese friends while on exchange. Get to know more the Western 'party' culture during exchange and while in Australia. Make connections while I was interning at Google. Doing other stupid/YOLO stuff. All these years and opportunities wasted because of my ego....

That is all for now. I have some sleep to catch because this coming Tuesday would be my FYP  interim presentation and I need to prepare my ego to take some beating... because my evaluator is quite famous for his result-orientedness and I didn't get much done for the semester :'( Aaanyywaayy... Best of luck in your endeavours!!