The Holiday Afterparty

Another 2 weeks another post! Just had an office holiday party last night and I (didn't) have a blast!

Long story short. I invited her. Tried to enjoy myself by chugging on them booze. Didn't do a thing to my brain. If anything, it's my belly that felt that it gonna explode (upwards). She kinda enjoyed herself, I think. Like she was excited to meet some of my colleagues, but on the dance floor, I can tell she's not having nearly enough booze to let her hair down, but she tried anyway (I tried too. Too hard, too). After party, went to a bar. Left early / Bailed on her. (On the left is what she claimed was the way she saw it, on the right is the way I saw it). Anyway, talked to her and she said everything's good, even after I kinda pressed her to be honest with me. So I had no choice but to take her words for it.

So, assuming she is being upfront, these are a few things I learn about myself:

1. I'm super closed. Well, I already knew this all along. But sometimes the way I close myself from the world still surprises me.

2. I often don't want to talk about things that make me uncomfortable. Probably related to #1. Example is #1, I didn't give any example. (I planned to give example to every single points but I just can't bring myself to do it for #1...)

3. Deep inferiority complex. Can't bring myself to expose my weaknesses to other people. Related to previous points too.

4. Thinks that everyone else has a high expectation of me. For example, I thought she expected me to go and dance with her. Seems like she is fine on her own. She *claimed* that she was fine on her own. Also about bailing on her.

5. Always thinks the worst case scenario. Check out #4. She said she's fine and she repeatedly assured me that she is, why do I still doubt that?

6. I do things that is against my principles just to fit in. Drinking to get high and lose myself. That is the total opposite of what I believe in; mindfulness above all else. And totally failed at that too. Probably because my subconscious prevented my conscious mind from being lost? Or because something else prevented me from getting high?

I guess that's all for now. Just a side note, I feel that the way I write this blog starts to feel like how I write documentations at where I work. Very messy at the start with just bullet points/numbers, and then got tidied up after, except it never got tidied up.

All the best in your life's endeavors, readers.

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