Reflection: Self-conscious
Hi readers.
Just had a talk with a friend. He is one with a really logical way of thinking. A little too logical for his own good sometimes... But that's beside the point of tonight's post.
We talked about what I wrote in this post and he again told me how I take things too seriously. Like I need to take a chill pill and be less guarded about things. Well, I already know that I often take things too seriously (if I dare say it might actually be always, or almost all the time to be nice to myself), but I have no idea why I do, and how I can try not to be that way too much. I feel that I need to find out the reason why I am this way and work from there, but this piece (or pieces) of memory might be somewhere deep inside my psyche and might not be trivial to find out. So alternatively I could just consciously try to be more chill about things. It is definitely not going to be that easy, since it has become something like a character to me, and it is probably going to be easier if I know the reason which would let me to reason about it.
Some things that I think may contribute to this. I'm not very close to my family. Not very close as in, I don't really talk about my problems to them. Actually sometimes I feel that my family are not very close in general. At least I always feel that family outings often feel like there is this sense of awkwardness around us. Sometimes I wonder why that's the case. Did I leave for Singapore too early? Is it because of my Dad? Is it because of me? Or is it just me?
Tired. Until next post and all the best in your life endeavors!
Edit:
I remembered why I am so self-conscious. Or rather, I think I know one of the contributing factors why I'm so self-conscious.
This was back in secondary school days. Not sure if I have written it before in any previous posts, but I lived in a student hostel together with a bunch of other secondary school international scholars, most of which are from the country I'm from. There was this girl I was attracted to (I might have written about her, but I can't remember which post, so no hyperlink to any post lol. Sorry). I can't really remember, but many people knew about it. I might have shared it with some people during one of those late night chats with guitars playing love songs in the background.
One day, I can't really remember, but I was texting with her; can't really remember who initiated. I can't really remember the details (probably my brain blocking it), but I remembered I got the impression that she liked me back. I was so happy, I quickly ran to one of my close friends' room and shared it with him. The texting was still ongoing, but I kinda let him follow the conversation. Imagine it like those movies where the teenage main character sort of asked their sidekick what to reply to woo their crush or something like that. And I think suddenly the text kinda goes in a weird direction and I realized something is amiss. Realizing that I realized something is off, suddenly my friend bursted out laughing. And a bunch of other folks flooded his room, laughing their asses off as well. I quickly put the two and two together, and instead of laughing with them, I sort of like shouted at them for toying with me and, not being able to hold my tears, stormed off.
Not sure how long they gave me some alone time, but I don't remember it being long. On the same night, they came over to my room and apologized to me profusely, but I was having none of it. I can't remember how it was being resolved; but somehow my friends and I were back to talking terms soon enough. However, as it is apparent now, I never really forgive them for it, nor I got over that incident. I still talk shit with them and all like a group of guy friends do, but I never really show them any true, heartfelt feelings anymore. I am so scared baring my feelings now, afraid that I might get toyed again. That all high hopes that I had were actually just someone playing ruse on me in the background. I think I also got scared of having too much hope for anything at all now, afraid that the hopes that I had was based on someone trying to make a fool of me, making me believe that I have more hope than I actually do.
This might be it. Let's see if I can do anything about it now that I have a satisfactory reason why I am so self-conscious and afraid of having hope that good things will come my way, especially when it comes to girls.
Edit: a probably better-written version of the same story: http://wsinlg.blogspot.sg/2018/03/opening-up.html
Just had a talk with a friend. He is one with a really logical way of thinking. A little too logical for his own good sometimes... But that's beside the point of tonight's post.
We talked about what I wrote in this post and he again told me how I take things too seriously. Like I need to take a chill pill and be less guarded about things. Well, I already know that I often take things too seriously (if I dare say it might actually be always, or almost all the time to be nice to myself), but I have no idea why I do, and how I can try not to be that way too much. I feel that I need to find out the reason why I am this way and work from there, but this piece (or pieces) of memory might be somewhere deep inside my psyche and might not be trivial to find out. So alternatively I could just consciously try to be more chill about things. It is definitely not going to be that easy, since it has become something like a character to me, and it is probably going to be easier if I know the reason which would let me to reason about it.
Some things that I think may contribute to this. I'm not very close to my family. Not very close as in, I don't really talk about my problems to them. Actually sometimes I feel that my family are not very close in general. At least I always feel that family outings often feel like there is this sense of awkwardness around us. Sometimes I wonder why that's the case. Did I leave for Singapore too early? Is it because of my Dad? Is it because of me? Or is it just me?
Tired. Until next post and all the best in your life endeavors!
Edit:
I remembered why I am so self-conscious. Or rather, I think I know one of the contributing factors why I'm so self-conscious.
This was back in secondary school days. Not sure if I have written it before in any previous posts, but I lived in a student hostel together with a bunch of other secondary school international scholars, most of which are from the country I'm from. There was this girl I was attracted to (I might have written about her, but I can't remember which post, so no hyperlink to any post lol. Sorry). I can't really remember, but many people knew about it. I might have shared it with some people during one of those late night chats with guitars playing love songs in the background.
One day, I can't really remember, but I was texting with her; can't really remember who initiated. I can't really remember the details (probably my brain blocking it), but I remembered I got the impression that she liked me back. I was so happy, I quickly ran to one of my close friends' room and shared it with him. The texting was still ongoing, but I kinda let him follow the conversation. Imagine it like those movies where the teenage main character sort of asked their sidekick what to reply to woo their crush or something like that. And I think suddenly the text kinda goes in a weird direction and I realized something is amiss. Realizing that I realized something is off, suddenly my friend bursted out laughing. And a bunch of other folks flooded his room, laughing their asses off as well. I quickly put the two and two together, and instead of laughing with them, I sort of like shouted at them for toying with me and, not being able to hold my tears, stormed off.
Not sure how long they gave me some alone time, but I don't remember it being long. On the same night, they came over to my room and apologized to me profusely, but I was having none of it. I can't remember how it was being resolved; but somehow my friends and I were back to talking terms soon enough. However, as it is apparent now, I never really forgive them for it, nor I got over that incident. I still talk shit with them and all like a group of guy friends do, but I never really show them any true, heartfelt feelings anymore. I am so scared baring my feelings now, afraid that I might get toyed again. That all high hopes that I had were actually just someone playing ruse on me in the background. I think I also got scared of having too much hope for anything at all now, afraid that the hopes that I had was based on someone trying to make a fool of me, making me believe that I have more hope than I actually do.
This might be it. Let's see if I can do anything about it now that I have a satisfactory reason why I am so self-conscious and afraid of having hope that good things will come my way, especially when it comes to girls.
Edit: a probably better-written version of the same story: http://wsinlg.blogspot.sg/2018/03/opening-up.html
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