Gathering Thoughts

 Hello again, can't believe I'd end up writing about this thing here again, but here goes...

So I've been really anxious for the past few days. Like really anxious - I'm feeling tightness in my chest, uneasiness in my stomach, lower appetite, scattered thoughts, the usual anxiety stuff... And it's all because of a catch up session with her.

I've never really wrote about how I feel about her. Honestly I'm not even sure. She's definitely very beautiful and it's always nice to have a pretty girlfriend. That aside, I recalled that what attracted me the most to her is how good of a listener she was, and how she's able to understand what I went through at the time. I always felt great after our meet up, and we'd talk about all our problems and worries.

Things change along the way. I'm not really sure from when exactly, but there was a period when I was almost certain that she was kinda into me, but at the same time I know she was also being pursued by someone (she told me about him, that's how close we were) so I decided not to be in the way and let things took its course. She got together with the guy, and I took some distance from her since that's what I'd expect if I were to be the lucky guy. The guy moved overseas and LDR took its toll - they broke up. At the time I was with someone (you readers know how it turned out) so I couldn't really provide much support, but it's not really a problem for her since she's many other guy friends to turn to. But I don't think all these info are relevant to the point I was trying to make, which is when our meetups started to lose its magic - or when we lost our chemistry.

I'm trying to think that it might be the settings - I remember we caught up sometime this year before the latest mandatory WFH for my office and I think it was still quite enjoyable to me. Maybe because the place was familiar that it felt less stressful to me, and it's easier to have a more enjoyable conversation then?

It could've also been the focus of the conversation. That last catch up in the office, the focus was her problems with the guys chasing her and it's always interesting to hear what those guys are up to. She's really too pretty for guys to be able to keep at their best behavior while around her, I think... But anyway, so as for the focus of the conversation of our last meetup a few days ago it was... scattered. We can't really maintain a topic for more than like 5 back and forth so everything felt really shallow.

All of the above could've just been my subconscious trying to bluff myself. If I were to be really honest, I think the real reason I'm very anxious right now is the last topic of our last meetup, which is about her wanting to try out dating app. I was so triggered by it (but of course will try to keep a calm demeanor externally, like that time my long time crush told me that she's attached, can't find the post where I wrote that for some reason). However, I really couldn't keep it together. What ended up happening was that I was being callous and edgy when telling her about the different dating apps I've been using. What do you mean by being callous and edgy, you ask? Urghhh I don't even really want to share even though I know there's literally no one reading this but my future self, but that's probably precisely why I don't want to share it, it's like one of those cringe memory that surface to your brain every now and then, you know? But anyway, "for posterity", like what I like to say in work setting, one example is telling her how some girls like to take certain types of pictures that guys would find... attractive (it was a girl taking top-down picture showing a lot of skin though surprisingly no boobas). Maybe it wasn't a big deal to her - I hope so.

But anyway even if my edginess and callousness didn't make her think lowly of me, I'm still worried what kind of hunks she's going to encounter that she'd swoon for. Maybe I'm being jealous for a potential match that doesn't even exist yet? Do I really care about that? But she's been in a relationship before and I wasn't even as bothered as I currently am? Is it just because I feel I have the chance that I don't take? Do I even want to try my luck?

Most of my time spent ruminating about this was about the possible consequences of her rejecting me to our friendship - is it even possible to maintain it after it was said? Looking at track record, it's definitely possible, or at least she's extremely open to it - something that I actually don't really agree with. I think it's nice when a girl does that, but that girl should be a little more picky as to who gets that chance and who doesn't, because not every guy is the same - some would just try again given the opportunity, while others would respect the decision and leave it at that (she has both examples happened to her). So probably I've been ruminating at the wrong thing. The more important question is actually - is this really what I want if she somehow reciprocates?

One thing of concern would be that her close friends are mostly (if not exclusively!) guys. I rather strongly believe not all of these guys have her best interest in mind, they're just waiting for the right time to take that shot (I might actually belong in that group, unfortunately...).

Another thing of concern is compatibility. She's not very religious although she still identifies as a Catholic in religious settings (e.g. wedding matrimonies). I used to only want to date Buddhists, but currently (maybe due to desperation lol) I'm open to most religions as long as it makes them a better person and don't force their religion on me. I have an intermezzo on this.

Despite saying that I don't want to date someone who'd force their religion on me, I myself have subconsciously providing unsolicited promotion on my own religion. It's quite annoying when you only realize that you're doing that *after* you've done that, I wish I could've stopped myself from doing that before I've said it, but I guess that'd take practice and some degree of mindfulness, which usually at such points, I'd be too tired (at the end of the meetup). I rambled and it's okay if none of you understood anything I've just written. It's not you, it's me.

Anyway I was interrupted and now it's late, and I have work tomorrow. If I'm still anxious, maybe I'll edit and continue this post. Or maybe something else would happen. Or nothing happened and this post is never edited ever again. Who knows. We'll see.

Oh and of course, all the best in your life's endeavours!