The Things that Could Be

Hi readers! It's been quite a while again since the last post (about a month). And just like I said in the comment of my last post, nothing really happens between us afterwards. It was probably my fault for not being there for her, but the difference in timezone at that time was really going to affect my work if we were to keep up our same routine when we were only 2-3 timezones away. Anyway, she's taken so that's probably for the best.

Today's post wasn't supposed to be about her. It's about what I felt every time during this time of the year. What's with around this time of the year, you ask? It's the Vesak season, you uneducated moron (jk, I understand Buddhism doesn't get as much love in the "west" compared to other Asian religions. Funny that I used the word "west"; she was always so worked up every time I used the word to generalize cultures that are not "Asian"). Anyway, I digressed. Around this time of the year, I would be that guy who would invite people to go celebrate this auspicious religious holiday in that religion's place of worship. For those who don't know me personally, I'm not sure if it was ever explicitly mentioned (or maybe implicitly inferred) that I am a terribly asocial person so I suppose it's kind of a big deal that I actually go out of my way and invite people around for something. At least for me, it is. I'm not sure why I do it anyway; I guess I just feel obliged to do it since I was one of the few people who started the initiative to gather Buddhists in my batch of Indonesian scholars and find a temple to go to every Sunday, and I'm just fulfilling what I thought is expected of me. Or probably I just want to have a community that I feel a sense of belonging to, since I always feel out of place whenever I go out with the friends that I usually go out with. I don't like drinking, stalking girls FB profile (fortunately it got rarer as I grow older), going to clubs, and other things that most people find "fun". When I went to China for exchange, I felt a strong sense of belonging to the Indonesian Buddhist community there and wished that I could have something like that here in Singapore.

Sometimes I wonder of the things that could be (thus the title of the post), if only I was just more confident, more firm about my interests, put in just a little more effort, and make the Indonesian scholars' Buddhist community more alive. Might I be in an entirely different place by now? Maybe not more successful (it's no easy feat to beat my current job) but at least in a happier state? Maybe the Buddhist community can be as "cool" as the Indonesian Christian/Catholic communities here. "Cool" as in that we actually hang out and do things together, not just go to the temple on Sunday, probably lunch afterwards, and repeat the following Sunday. I guess I wished someone would step up. I didn't believe I could make it. Heck, I probably was scared of the rejection. On hindsight, I was probably indeed the person the Indonesian Buddhist scholars look up to for guidance, and I was just kinda aloof when they expressed interests to participate in activities that the temple we went to held, which leads to the current state of the Indonesian Buddhist community now. How is it like now, you ask? Practically non-existent. It's basically just me, sometimes asking some of the closer ones if they'd go on some Sundays. But most of the days, I am on my own, and I didn't even bother to ask anyone else.

Sometimes I'd compare myself with the situation my brother was in when he was in China for his undergrad (I have a brother. Surprise2). Currently he is seen as one of the few pioneers of the Indonesian Buddhist community in China, which he was. He initiated the founding of the community in Nanjing, when initially there were only in few bigger cities such as Beijing and Shanghai. I later (not too late actually, probably during my JC/early uni years) found out that it wasn't easy at the start. He was faced with rejection of some sort from his peers, where he needs to go on with the Sunday service with only like a handful of people (or less!) at some point. He was against all odds. And somehow he managed to overcome it, and now he is enjoying the fruit of his labor; being known as a pioneer, even having his story written in one of Buddhist publications in Jakarta (can't rmb the name of the magazine now..). He is back in Jakarta and is still active in the Buddhist scene there. It was such a joy looking at him busy with the thing he's passionate about.

Then comes me. Someone who didn't have the courage to do what I want. And now look where I am now. Working for the best company to work at in Singapore (possibly the world too), and yet feeling miserable when it comes to personal life.

Sometimes I also wonder. Of the things that could be if only I had the same resilience as my brother. He met the love of his life there. And of course, she is a Buddhist too. I'm not sure if she has any role in whatever my brother has achieved, but I'm sure she's very supportive of what he did. She has the gift of cheerfulness; able to liven up any group settings without the use of any of those stuff the "west" consider "fun-inducing" (I'm talking about mild stuff like drinks). Pretty sure such a talent is very important in gathering followers and making them stay around long enough to feel comfortable to stick around without her anyway. Would she be to me as my brother's girlfriend to him? (I hope this sentence makes sense to you readers lol) Or at least would some other girl be? Right now the only person I could be very open about my passion in Buddhism is just her, but I haven't got the chance to open up more due to her traveling to the US and causing a huge timezone gap which then consequently caused us to grow apart (see start of this post).

Actually that's probably a good idea to talk to her. See if she has anything good to say.

Good night and all the best in your life's endeavors, readers!