When Silence Is No Longer Golden

 Hello again, can't believe I'd end up writing about this thing here again, but here goes... So I've been really anxious for the past few days. Like really anxious - I'm feeling tightness in my chest, uneasiness in my stomach, lower appetite, scattered thoughts, the usual anxiety stuff... And it's all because of a catch up session with her . I've never really wrote about how I feel about her. Honestly I'm not even sure. She's definitely very beautiful and it's always nice to have a pretty girlfriend. That aside, I recalled that what attracted me the most to her is how good of a listener she was, and how she's able to understand what I went through at the time. I always felt great after our meet up, and we'd talk about all our problems and worries. Things change along the way. I'm not really sure from when exactly, but there was a period when I was almost certain that she was kinda into me, but at the same time I know she was also being pu...

Hi readers! One post later and it's just 3 months away from a supposedly another obligatory new year post! Not to worry - regular (LOL) readers would know that no news means good news when it comes to me writing blogposts. So yes, I'm in a much better place than wherever I was when I posted the previous post (I'm too lazy and tired to open and read it, and anyway I would forget what I wanted to write in this post if I do). So why do I write this post? It's just a mind-dump, really. There are a lot of things happening recently and many of them are fighting for air time in my mind. Let me just dump it now to satisfy them. 1. Completing PR formalities. Yeah, so I finally got my PR. Not sure if I ever shared about it in this blog before but I waited for 1.5 years for this. Actually I shouldn't really say I "wait" for this since I wasn't really hoping that I'd get it, in fact I don't care about it at all. But the approval came anyway so I should act...

Hi again readers! Back with the Obligatory New Year Post series, and this time with a funny title I came up with myself (har har har). I'm actually surprised how hasn't anyone thought of this great pun that I came up with (har har har) but anyway here goes. So obviously, last year didn't go very well. I must say this must've come out as unexpected if I were to tell my previous year's self. Not even my 1-year-ago self, but also my 6-months-ago self. I remember quite vividly how I thought to myself, "2020 is going to be a very tough year for most people. But for me, it is probably going to be one of the best year of my life." Writing this reminds me of a pattern that I noticed when I was much younger that whatever that I think is going to happen, the exact opposite is going to happen instead, but if I were to tell someone about it, that exact thing is going to happen instead. I probably should've said that to someone so that it happened instead lol. The ...

Hi readers. That was very naive of me to think that moving on is as easy as what I wrote in the previous post. I suppose some readers (if there is any?) who have experienced break-up would have guessed that won't be the last of it. Now I know that it will probably be a mental scar that I'd carry for a long time... There are reasons why moving on is not easy, and everyone's reasons would be different. For me, it is mostly because of these two reasons: the thought that I'd never meet someone as good as her, and how much of a monster I was to her. And I'm not even exaggerating. I don't think I really want to go through why I think I'd never meet someone as good as her... The short story is that she ticks basically all the checkboxes of what I look for in a girl, and then some. I think the right way forward here is to wipe the expectation that whoever I'm with next has to be equal or better than her. After all, everyone is different and using the criteria wh...

Hello again, readers. I think I have relatively come out of the "pit of despair" that is a couple of posts back and is, for the most part, back to a normal-er state of mind. In this post, I want to share something that is not about self-pity and regret for once, but I just want to write it down for my future reference (or maybe you readers - if any - can find it useful). Moving on is not easy (as you readers can see from the previous 2 posts). You have to accept the fact that things are not the way they were, and most likely, are not going to be the way they were ever again. I somehow, somewhat managed to get there in the past few days (or at least maintain it for the past few days until now). It was especially tough a week ago or so. I think I was in the brink of depression (or maybe I was already in one). I didn't contemplate suicide, but the feeling of sadness was so overwhelming that I can't really function. For example, at work, I practically only do something pr...

Hi readers. I can't (or probably subconsciously don't want to) remember what I wrote in my previous post exactly, but I know it is about how I contributed to her downward spiral and subsequently, us falling out. Predictably, this post is going to be about how I'm coping with it one month after. So people have a saying about the 4 (or apparently 5, after googling it) stages of grief. So I think I'm somewhere in the bargaining /depression stage right now (fast forward the denial and anger part lel). It feels more like everything merges into one, but I guess some stage is stronger at different part than others. Currently, it's definitely the bargaining/depression part is the strongest. But I think I jumped the gun; I wanted to share with any reader (if any at all) or at least my future self, in hope that this will be useful if I ever have to go through it all over again (gosh hopefully not, but I think I will). So the first few things I did after she initiated the brea...

 Wow, didn't realize it's been almost a year since the last time I posted! I have like 3 draft entries that I ended up not posting for whatever reason, and today is the day I need to post as I once again (insert Bernie meme here) cannot find a medium of outlet other than this one. She got admitted into a mental ward. And I am definitely at fault. I have once again been putting unnecessary pressure on her, and she snapped. Where should I even start? There were so much I wanted to write down during my long walk and here I am in front of my laptop at a loss of words and just rambling these meaningless words. I took a long walk after the news got to me (she was kind enough to break the news to me personally before her phone was taken from her, and I am extremely grateful for that). One of the longest I took in memory. Just walking aimlessly for almost an hour before I finally realized it was getting dark and I was in an area where there's no street light so I needed to make my ...

It hasn't even been a month since the last time I made her feel horrible, I did it again tonight. This time, it's because of my ego. Ego is something that everyone has, regardless of how low self-esteemed they are. Mine, in particular, likes to feel and prove that I'm better than someone that I think I should be better than. Get it? Easiest way to explain is that say in school, you have this one friend who everyone likes to bully. Say you're not particularly into bullying them, so you're still friends with them. However, when interacting with them, there are times when that person might be better than you in some way, for example they said something smart about something. You'd feel an urge to one-up that person just to maintain the feeling that you're better than that bullied person. In my case, believe it or not, I feel that I'm the better person in my relationship. Again, not starting the relationship with the right mindset. Everybody knows that i...

Hi readers! Two posts in a month! When was the last time it happened? Looking back, it's actually not that rare... In fact most of the time this year I post in clusters - so two posts in a month is not rare, but blogposts in general are rare... OK enough about unimportant technicalities. So I just finished a call with her . Not on a very high note, unfortunately. I mean, I must say our relationship, despite the distance, has been great. She understands my schedule and our timezone differences, and never pushes me to sacrifice my time for her unnecessarily. For example, being in Singapore, we always end our day kinda late, and I have a bunch of things I need to attend to lately for some reason (usually my life is very boring and not happening). This caused me not to be able to have a call with her every night, but she is always very understanding and patiently wait for the evenings when I'm free. Of course, I responded back in kind and always try to make my evenings free and ...

Hi readers! A few months have passed since my last post again and this time I have a big announcement: I've finally broken my single streak! In case you readers are wondering, it's her  :D. It's indeed a great news, but the things that is in my mind right now is not so great... Not sure if it was obvious, but she's not actually based in the same country as me. She took the initiative to make the first visit, which I think made sense since she has more things to do here than me there. Also, I still wasn't sure about the relationship at the time so her visiting me instead of the other way round means less investment on my side Selfish, I know, but even ignoring that fact, she still has other benefits to gain from visiting me anyway, such as meeting up with friends and family, enjoying Asian food, etc. In any case, I really appreciate the sacrifice she made for me, so I reciprocated in kind and made sure she enjoyed her time here (and when we parted, she said she ...