When Silence Is No Longer Golden

 Hi readers, it's been a while, as usual. And of course, I didn't (or haven't) finish my supposed multi-part story of my Thailand trip! I want to say I apologize, but then I'm not even sure if anyone is still reading this nowadays (even I don't read things in here after I posted it) so maybe there's no point to apologize since I'd be apologizing to no one lol. But anyway, another post, another melancholic(-ish) story! But don't worry, I try not to pity myself too much (I'm not in that mental state anyway, or so I think). Not sure if I shared this in my Thailand story post, but I kinda made a "wish", an "intention", to have a fruitful retreat, which happened and more, but unfortunately I'm too lazy to write it down to share here. But anyway (and also unfortunately), this post is not about that. Even though I did wish to have a fruitful retreat, not gonna lie that it took me a while to make up my mind on that wish - and one thin...

 Hello again, can't believe I'd end up writing about this thing here again, but here goes... So I've been really anxious for the past few days. Like really anxious - I'm feeling tightness in my chest, uneasiness in my stomach, lower appetite, scattered thoughts, the usual anxiety stuff... And it's all because of a catch up session with her . I've never really wrote about how I feel about her. Honestly I'm not even sure. She's definitely very beautiful and it's always nice to have a pretty girlfriend. That aside, I recalled that what attracted me the most to her is how good of a listener she was, and how she's able to understand what I went through at the time. I always felt great after our meet up, and we'd talk about all our problems and worries. Things change along the way. I'm not really sure from when exactly, but there was a period when I was almost certain that she was kinda into me, but at the same time I know she was also being pu...

Hi readers. I can't (or probably subconsciously don't want to) remember what I wrote in my previous post exactly, but I know it is about how I contributed to her downward spiral and subsequently, us falling out. Predictably, this post is going to be about how I'm coping with it one month after. So people have a saying about the 4 (or apparently 5, after googling it) stages of grief. So I think I'm somewhere in the bargaining /depression stage right now (fast forward the denial and anger part lel). It feels more like everything merges into one, but I guess some stage is stronger at different part than others. Currently, it's definitely the bargaining/depression part is the strongest. But I think I jumped the gun; I wanted to share with any reader (if any at all) or at least my future self, in hope that this will be useful if I ever have to go through it all over again (gosh hopefully not, but I think I will). So the first few things I did after she initiated the brea...

 Wow, didn't realize it's been almost a year since the last time I posted! I have like 3 draft entries that I ended up not posting for whatever reason, and today is the day I need to post as I once again (insert Bernie meme here) cannot find a medium of outlet other than this one. She got admitted into a mental ward. And I am definitely at fault. I have once again been putting unnecessary pressure on her, and she snapped. Where should I even start? There were so much I wanted to write down during my long walk and here I am in front of my laptop at a loss of words and just rambling these meaningless words. I took a long walk after the news got to me (she was kind enough to break the news to me personally before her phone was taken from her, and I am extremely grateful for that). One of the longest I took in memory. Just walking aimlessly for almost an hour before I finally realized it was getting dark and I was in an area where there's no street light so I needed to make my ...

It hasn't even been a month since the last time I made her feel horrible, I did it again tonight. This time, it's because of my ego. Ego is something that everyone has, regardless of how low self-esteemed they are. Mine, in particular, likes to feel and prove that I'm better than someone that I think I should be better than. Get it? Easiest way to explain is that say in school, you have this one friend who everyone likes to bully. Say you're not particularly into bullying them, so you're still friends with them. However, when interacting with them, there are times when that person might be better than you in some way, for example they said something smart about something. You'd feel an urge to one-up that person just to maintain the feeling that you're better than that bullied person. In my case, believe it or not, I feel that I'm the better person in my relationship. Again, not starting the relationship with the right mindset. Everybody knows that i...

Hi readers! Two posts in a month! When was the last time it happened? Looking back, it's actually not that rare... In fact most of the time this year I post in clusters - so two posts in a month is not rare, but blogposts in general are rare... OK enough about unimportant technicalities. So I just finished a call with her . Not on a very high note, unfortunately. I mean, I must say our relationship, despite the distance, has been great. She understands my schedule and our timezone differences, and never pushes me to sacrifice my time for her unnecessarily. For example, being in Singapore, we always end our day kinda late, and I have a bunch of things I need to attend to lately for some reason (usually my life is very boring and not happening). This caused me not to be able to have a call with her every night, but she is always very understanding and patiently wait for the evenings when I'm free. Of course, I responded back in kind and always try to make my evenings free and ...

Hi readers! A few months have passed since my last post again and this time I have a big announcement: I've finally broken my single streak! In case you readers are wondering, it's her  :D. It's indeed a great news, but the things that is in my mind right now is not so great... Not sure if it was obvious, but she's not actually based in the same country as me. She took the initiative to make the first visit, which I think made sense since she has more things to do here than me there. Also, I still wasn't sure about the relationship at the time so her visiting me instead of the other way round means less investment on my side Selfish, I know, but even ignoring that fact, she still has other benefits to gain from visiting me anyway, such as meeting up with friends and family, enjoying Asian food, etc. In any case, I really appreciate the sacrifice she made for me, so I reciprocated in kind and made sure she enjoyed her time here (and when we parted, she said she ...

Hi readers! You're in for a treat! Two consecutive posts in a month! And a quick closure for yet another of my failed dating attempt , with a twist! So today I went out with her in the afternoon. She kinda initiated the date - she told me about Lady M on our first date and how she'd bring me there some time, and today was the day. Well, nothing out of the ordinary for a while. We had a good time talking in Lady M and we decided to walk around Orchard Rd afterwards; initially to find clothes for her but on the way we stopped by Din Tai Fung since she seems to be very keen (missing her hometown's food) and I was a bit hungry for some real dinner (we were in Lady M for quite a while, and it sucked). Still had a great time in DTF. I liked the satisfied faces she made when she gulped on those 饺子 and 小笼包. She seemed to really miss her hometown (though she was just there 2 months ago before her internship started). Just before we left, she shared with me some details abou...

Hi readers! How time flies! It was March when I last wrote anything here, and it's already September now! I actually have something in my draft about updates on what I've been up to the past half year, but for some reason I haven't published it yet (I didn't open and read it because it'll just make me forget what I wanted to write now). So I hope I'll get around finishing it so at least you readers know what I've been doing while I'm MIA. (Hint to new readers: I never actually got around finishing what I promised to do here, so don't hold your breath) This post is just going to be what I've been up to only for the past month, so that leaves about 5 months for the other post to fill up, if it ever comes out. This past month, I've been busy with work (what's new). I've also been busy doing something I haven't done in a while.... dating (suprise!). It all started before the long weekend at the start of August in Singapore. T...

Hi readers! It's only been a little while (somewhat) since the last post! And surprise, surprise (not really); I haven't done the thing that I said I would in my last post ! I have an excuse for that, though I really shouldn't be making excuses... But anyway the excuse was that work got super busy soon that I don't have enough time for myself; I worked like almost 12 hours for all 5 days for like 2-3 weeks, plus a few hours on Saturday! I managed to keep my Sunday off though, which is a really much needed relieve for that crazy weeks. Another much needed relieve was last week's lunar new year break! I got to go back to my home town, though my break got interrupted with one day of work for a meeting that I'd rather not skip (not a meeting I couldn't skip, but I'd just rather not skip it). Oh also, I already broke one of my new year resolution; not to ghost people! I played with my dating apps again, got matched, and didn't even say hi until the c...

Hi readers! It's been quite a while again since the last post (about a month). And just like I said in the comment of my last post, nothing really happens between us afterwards. It was probably my fault for not being there for her, but the difference in timezone at that time was really going to affect my work if we were to keep up our same routine when we were only 2-3 timezones away. Anyway, she's taken so that's probably for the best. Today's post wasn't supposed to be about her. It's about what I felt every time during this time of the year. What's with around this time of the year, you ask? It's the Vesak season, you uneducated moron (jk, I understand Buddhism doesn't get as much love in the "west" compared to other Asian religions. Funny that I used the word "west";  she was always so worked up every time I used the word to generalize cultures that are not "Asian"). Anyway, I digressed. Around this time of th...

Hi readers. Just (really literally just now) talked to her over the phone. I "confronted" her about our mock dates last week, and she insisted that she didn't mean to lead me on or whatever by whatever we did together then. I accepted her explanation but yet she told me that she felt overwhelmed by me questioning her like that. Not sure what she meant by that exactly; I tried to be as gentle as possible but probably not quite gentle enough. Things got a little awkward shortly after, but for some reason we continued to talk and we managed to get back to our previous level of comfort. She consciously tried to stop herself from sharing her relationship problem with me, but I think she just couldn't take it and started sharing some of her recent issues with her bf. I'm really surprised when she told me that she's been putting on a mask trying to please her bf's expectation of her. This shocks me especially because I thought if a couple is together, they...

So a friend who I knew from my internship in Sydney a couple of years ago came over to Singapore for the whole week last week. She said she did that because the tickets were very expensive if she was to fly back to Sydney right after the long weekend (it was the long weekend Easter holiday, and Sydney had the Friday and Monday off). For some reason, we ended up practically dating for the whole week. So it all started a few weeks leading up to her vacation to these parts. For some reason she messaged me almost every day in the different platforms where we are connected (there were just two basically, but for some reason we jumped back and forth between the two platforms depending on the time of the day). We were initially just talking about work stuff mostly, and some personal, but still work-related stuff like how I kept going back to the office on weekends ( :'( ) and how her rating during the last performance review was below her expectation (it was actually fine... But she...

Hi readers! It's been a while since the last post, hasn't it? How many times have I been using that opening line lol. Anyway, I just met up with her again. I wasn't sure why she still wanted to meet me; we planned to meet the week before because it's been quite a while since the last time we caught up, but she cancelled it last minute. We then caught up on one of the weekdays, but it was a rather short one because we had other things to do. I thought it was good enough, and thinking of calling it off; but I thought I guess it doesn't hurt to have another chat with her again and so we met again this afternoon. Turned out to be quite an eventful catch up. Finally after years of being mum about it, I shared the story that I've been trying hard to forget; the story about the girl I chased when I was in secondary school. I sieved through my old posts and shook (sorry for the lingo) that I have never actually written about her AT ALL. Am I really in denial so muc...

Hi readers! Another day another post! Better be grateful while it lasts! Went to temple today. No one there. No one as in no one that I'd be happy to see. No, I'm not talking about her in particular. Well, she is one of the people that I'd be happy to see there, but I was actually just talking about any friends I can talk to in general. In the afternoon I met up with another girl who is actually a match from another dating app. Not for a date, but more for dating advice so to speak lol. The story is that she has just started to try to commit more to another guy, and I respected her decision since she has already been seeing him for 6 months. It was quite an interesting chat with her (rather an awkward one too). Learned that I'm not actually the worst of dates. Some random dude out there actually asked someone out for a date at MacDonald's! So if you're a guy and you think you're bad at dating, don't worry, there's always the MacDonald's guy ...

The weekend has just passed and I don't feel refreshed at all.. I think this is the first weekend in a while when I don't really have any major happening. Last week there was Cakka , the previous week was my third date with her , I believe... And the previous week was the weekend when one of my housemate initiated a house outing for my sake. So I guess it has been at least a month since I first started trying to change . I tried to write down what I think so far, as well as how I feel about finally having the weekend free from it, and I can't seem to formulate it at all... Like when I tried to do it, they just don't flow. It feels that there is a contradiction somewhere that either I don't know, or I simply refuse to acknowledge. Is it because I don't like the change? My mind resisting the change? The weeks when the weekend was filled with activities and plans leave me tired at the end of the week. I'm not sure if I felt contented, but I *think* at the...