When Silence Is No Longer Golden

 Hi readers, it's been a while, as usual. And of course, I didn't (or haven't) finish my supposed multi-part story of my Thailand trip! I want to say I apologize, but then I'm not even sure if anyone is still reading this nowadays (even I don't read things in here after I posted it) so maybe there's no point to apologize since I'd be apologizing to no one lol. But anyway, another post, another melancholic(-ish) story! But don't worry, I try not to pity myself too much (I'm not in that mental state anyway, or so I think). Not sure if I shared this in my Thailand story post, but I kinda made a "wish", an "intention", to have a fruitful retreat, which happened and more, but unfortunately I'm too lazy to write it down to share here. But anyway (and also unfortunately), this post is not about that. Even though I did wish to have a fruitful retreat, not gonna lie that it took me a while to make up my mind on that wish - and one thin...

 Hello readers, it's me again (who else can it be). Here with another edition of obligatory new year post! I'm writing this right on the new year's day for the very first time! Actually it's just because I just finished showering and waiting for my hair to dry (my parents always say not to sleep with wet hair as it can cause rheumatism or something). So this is going to be a quick one, without references to any of the previous editions of obligatory new year post, since I don't really want to sleep too late and I believe the last edition is the very sad edition, and I don't really want to make myself sad right now. I think in all the previous editions of obligatory new year post, I've always made some sort of grading of resolution from the previous year and writing new ones for the upcoming year. Since I don't really want to read the previous year's obligatory new year post, I'm not going to do that and just going to do a quick reflection of how ...

Hi again readers! Back with the Obligatory New Year Post series, and this time with a funny title I came up with myself (har har har). I'm actually surprised how hasn't anyone thought of this great pun that I came up with (har har har) but anyway here goes. So obviously, last year didn't go very well. I must say this must've come out as unexpected if I were to tell my previous year's self. Not even my 1-year-ago self, but also my 6-months-ago self. I remember quite vividly how I thought to myself, "2020 is going to be a very tough year for most people. But for me, it is probably going to be one of the best year of my life." Writing this reminds me of a pattern that I noticed when I was much younger that whatever that I think is going to happen, the exact opposite is going to happen instead, but if I were to tell someone about it, that exact thing is going to happen instead. I probably should've said that to someone so that it happened instead lol. The ...

Hi readers. I can't (or probably subconsciously don't want to) remember what I wrote in my previous post exactly, but I know it is about how I contributed to her downward spiral and subsequently, us falling out. Predictably, this post is going to be about how I'm coping with it one month after. So people have a saying about the 4 (or apparently 5, after googling it) stages of grief. So I think I'm somewhere in the bargaining /depression stage right now (fast forward the denial and anger part lel). It feels more like everything merges into one, but I guess some stage is stronger at different part than others. Currently, it's definitely the bargaining/depression part is the strongest. But I think I jumped the gun; I wanted to share with any reader (if any at all) or at least my future self, in hope that this will be useful if I ever have to go through it all over again (gosh hopefully not, but I think I will). So the first few things I did after she initiated the brea...

It hasn't even been a month since the last time I made her feel horrible, I did it again tonight. This time, it's because of my ego. Ego is something that everyone has, regardless of how low self-esteemed they are. Mine, in particular, likes to feel and prove that I'm better than someone that I think I should be better than. Get it? Easiest way to explain is that say in school, you have this one friend who everyone likes to bully. Say you're not particularly into bullying them, so you're still friends with them. However, when interacting with them, there are times when that person might be better than you in some way, for example they said something smart about something. You'd feel an urge to one-up that person just to maintain the feeling that you're better than that bullied person. In my case, believe it or not, I feel that I'm the better person in my relationship. Again, not starting the relationship with the right mindset. Everybody knows that i...

Hi readers! A few months have passed since my last post again and this time I have a big announcement: I've finally broken my single streak! In case you readers are wondering, it's her  :D. It's indeed a great news, but the things that is in my mind right now is not so great... Not sure if it was obvious, but she's not actually based in the same country as me. She took the initiative to make the first visit, which I think made sense since she has more things to do here than me there. Also, I still wasn't sure about the relationship at the time so her visiting me instead of the other way round means less investment on my side Selfish, I know, but even ignoring that fact, she still has other benefits to gain from visiting me anyway, such as meeting up with friends and family, enjoying Asian food, etc. In any case, I really appreciate the sacrifice she made for me, so I reciprocated in kind and made sure she enjoyed her time here (and when we parted, she said she ...

Hi readers! How time flies! It was March when I last wrote anything here, and it's already September now! I actually have something in my draft about updates on what I've been up to the past half year, but for some reason I haven't published it yet (I didn't open and read it because it'll just make me forget what I wanted to write now). So I hope I'll get around finishing it so at least you readers know what I've been doing while I'm MIA. (Hint to new readers: I never actually got around finishing what I promised to do here, so don't hold your breath) This post is just going to be what I've been up to only for the past month, so that leaves about 5 months for the other post to fill up, if it ever comes out. This past month, I've been busy with work (what's new). I've also been busy doing something I haven't done in a while.... dating (suprise!). It all started before the long weekend at the start of August in Singapore. T...

Hi readers! The 5th of the "Obligatory New Year Post" series! This time is resolutions for 2019, and reflections for 2018! Before I actually read past year's resolution and evaluate on how I did, I would like to say first that off-hand, 2018 is a rather bad year for me. People almost always say that the past year has been great for them despite ups and downs, yada2... But for me, 2018 all in all has not been that great. Despite the ups like my New York trip (which didn't turn out as awesome as I hoped it to be), reconnected with her (an opportunity which I totally blew), and kinda reconnected with her (not too bad, but then again, she went to the US so we don't have that many overlapping time for catch-ups, so..), 2018 has been underwhelming, to say the least. I didn't progress at all in terms of my self-discovery and making myself more comfortable with girls. I didn't manage to push myself to exercise regularly, didn't meditate regularly... Basica...

Hi readers! It's been a while (as usual) since the last time I wrote here! I know I actually posted something a couple of weeks ago but it was really just publishing something that had been sitting on my list of draft with minor edits and addition of intro and outro, so I don't think that counts. So the reason I feel like writing something today is because I had a realization that I'm back to where I started with all the dating stuff. I feel like shit again for not having a girlfriend, and I don't feel that I am good enough for anyone to find me desirable. Always happen when I have a crush on someone. And I can't even recall a single learning I had from those dates. Damn my brain and my defense mechanism for coping with unpleasant experiences... Luckily I documented *most* of my experience and learning in this blog so I can always just go back and read them again... But I hate having to relive those experiences again, afraid that I might feel even more down afte...

So here goes the long overdue mid-year reflection (follow-up to the new year resolution post ). 1. To go for most opportunities available Not sure how I can answer this. There are not that many things that came up in the first half of the year since I am on my final semester in NUS. However, I would say I kinda failed in this aspect because I didn't go to a meditation retreat (which is something I wanted to do during the break before work started) when I had the chance. There was no other opportunities of much significance afterwards; just some incidental opportunities such as networking with certain people (like my friend's mentor on Indo2SV programme, other people in my team from a different office) and some others. 2. To improve my communication skills (especially in Chinese and with girls) This is kinda hard to tell too. I went to Hong Kong so technically I practiced a little bit of Chinese... And I have been trying to speak a little Chinese here and there...