When Silence Is No Longer Golden

Hi readers. That was very naive of me to think that moving on is as easy as what I wrote in the previous post. I suppose some readers (if there is any?) who have experienced break-up would have guessed that won't be the last of it. Now I know that it will probably be a mental scar that I'd carry for a long time... There are reasons why moving on is not easy, and everyone's reasons would be different. For me, it is mostly because of these two reasons: the thought that I'd never meet someone as good as her, and how much of a monster I was to her. And I'm not even exaggerating. I don't think I really want to go through why I think I'd never meet someone as good as her... The short story is that she ticks basically all the checkboxes of what I look for in a girl, and then some. I think the right way forward here is to wipe the expectation that whoever I'm with next has to be equal or better than her. After all, everyone is different and using the criteria wh...

Hello again, readers. I think I have relatively come out of the "pit of despair" that is a couple of posts back and is, for the most part, back to a normal-er state of mind. In this post, I want to share something that is not about self-pity and regret for once, but I just want to write it down for my future reference (or maybe you readers - if any - can find it useful). Moving on is not easy (as you readers can see from the previous 2 posts). You have to accept the fact that things are not the way they were, and most likely, are not going to be the way they were ever again. I somehow, somewhat managed to get there in the past few days (or at least maintain it for the past few days until now). It was especially tough a week ago or so. I think I was in the brink of depression (or maybe I was already in one). I didn't contemplate suicide, but the feeling of sadness was so overwhelming that I can't really function. For example, at work, I practically only do something pr...

Hi readers. I can't (or probably subconsciously don't want to) remember what I wrote in my previous post exactly, but I know it is about how I contributed to her downward spiral and subsequently, us falling out. Predictably, this post is going to be about how I'm coping with it one month after. So people have a saying about the 4 (or apparently 5, after googling it) stages of grief. So I think I'm somewhere in the bargaining /depression stage right now (fast forward the denial and anger part lel). It feels more like everything merges into one, but I guess some stage is stronger at different part than others. Currently, it's definitely the bargaining/depression part is the strongest. But I think I jumped the gun; I wanted to share with any reader (if any at all) or at least my future self, in hope that this will be useful if I ever have to go through it all over again (gosh hopefully not, but I think I will). So the first few things I did after she initiated the brea...

 Wow, didn't realize it's been almost a year since the last time I posted! I have like 3 draft entries that I ended up not posting for whatever reason, and today is the day I need to post as I once again (insert Bernie meme here) cannot find a medium of outlet other than this one. She got admitted into a mental ward. And I am definitely at fault. I have once again been putting unnecessary pressure on her, and she snapped. Where should I even start? There were so much I wanted to write down during my long walk and here I am in front of my laptop at a loss of words and just rambling these meaningless words. I took a long walk after the news got to me (she was kind enough to break the news to me personally before her phone was taken from her, and I am extremely grateful for that). One of the longest I took in memory. Just walking aimlessly for almost an hour before I finally realized it was getting dark and I was in an area where there's no street light so I needed to make my ...

It hasn't even been a month since the last time I made her feel horrible, I did it again tonight. This time, it's because of my ego. Ego is something that everyone has, regardless of how low self-esteemed they are. Mine, in particular, likes to feel and prove that I'm better than someone that I think I should be better than. Get it? Easiest way to explain is that say in school, you have this one friend who everyone likes to bully. Say you're not particularly into bullying them, so you're still friends with them. However, when interacting with them, there are times when that person might be better than you in some way, for example they said something smart about something. You'd feel an urge to one-up that person just to maintain the feeling that you're better than that bullied person. In my case, believe it or not, I feel that I'm the better person in my relationship. Again, not starting the relationship with the right mindset. Everybody knows that i...

Hi readers! Two posts in a month! When was the last time it happened? Looking back, it's actually not that rare... In fact most of the time this year I post in clusters - so two posts in a month is not rare, but blogposts in general are rare... OK enough about unimportant technicalities. So I just finished a call with her . Not on a very high note, unfortunately. I mean, I must say our relationship, despite the distance, has been great. She understands my schedule and our timezone differences, and never pushes me to sacrifice my time for her unnecessarily. For example, being in Singapore, we always end our day kinda late, and I have a bunch of things I need to attend to lately for some reason (usually my life is very boring and not happening). This caused me not to be able to have a call with her every night, but she is always very understanding and patiently wait for the evenings when I'm free. Of course, I responded back in kind and always try to make my evenings free and ...

Hi readers! A few months have passed since my last post again and this time I have a big announcement: I've finally broken my single streak! In case you readers are wondering, it's her  :D. It's indeed a great news, but the things that is in my mind right now is not so great... Not sure if it was obvious, but she's not actually based in the same country as me. She took the initiative to make the first visit, which I think made sense since she has more things to do here than me there. Also, I still wasn't sure about the relationship at the time so her visiting me instead of the other way round means less investment on my side Selfish, I know, but even ignoring that fact, she still has other benefits to gain from visiting me anyway, such as meeting up with friends and family, enjoying Asian food, etc. In any case, I really appreciate the sacrifice she made for me, so I reciprocated in kind and made sure she enjoyed her time here (and when we parted, she said she ...

Hi readers! You're in for a treat! Two consecutive posts in a month! And a quick closure for yet another of my failed dating attempt , with a twist! So today I went out with her in the afternoon. She kinda initiated the date - she told me about Lady M on our first date and how she'd bring me there some time, and today was the day. Well, nothing out of the ordinary for a while. We had a good time talking in Lady M and we decided to walk around Orchard Rd afterwards; initially to find clothes for her but on the way we stopped by Din Tai Fung since she seems to be very keen (missing her hometown's food) and I was a bit hungry for some real dinner (we were in Lady M for quite a while, and it sucked). Still had a great time in DTF. I liked the satisfied faces she made when she gulped on those 饺子 and 小笼包. She seemed to really miss her hometown (though she was just there 2 months ago before her internship started). Just before we left, she shared with me some details abou...

Hi readers! How time flies! It was March when I last wrote anything here, and it's already September now! I actually have something in my draft about updates on what I've been up to the past half year, but for some reason I haven't published it yet (I didn't open and read it because it'll just make me forget what I wanted to write now). So I hope I'll get around finishing it so at least you readers know what I've been doing while I'm MIA. (Hint to new readers: I never actually got around finishing what I promised to do here, so don't hold your breath) This post is just going to be what I've been up to only for the past month, so that leaves about 5 months for the other post to fill up, if it ever comes out. This past month, I've been busy with work (what's new). I've also been busy doing something I haven't done in a while.... dating (suprise!). It all started before the long weekend at the start of August in Singapore. T...

NOTE: this entry was published on 8 Sept, but was meant to be published on 27 July. For some reason blogger allows backdating your post timestamp, which is nice. Hi readers! Again, a long time since my last post... Actually I wanted to post earlier this month but yeah... Laziness, procrastination, life, etc got in the way (excuses, excuses)... If only I managed to get that one out, the tone of that post would've been much more positive.. (Implies this one is gonna be negative. Get ready for it, readers!) Before we got into the main thing, a few updates. The post I wanted to write earlier this month was actually about my busy-ness as batman for my brother's wedding (yes I know it's bestman but I like the sound of batman better) and other stuff in between, but this would have to do for now, since I'm no longer in the mood to finish that one, for another major thing in my life has taken over. Also, tomorrow I'm gonna attend a friend's wedding. Yeah, the wedding...