When Silence Is No Longer Golden

This happened last night. Was depressed because I can't seem to make a conversation with her . Then suddenly a message from her came out of nowhere. She just said she couldn't sleep. Then I told her why I couldn't sleep too. And just like last time, her words were painfully accurate. I'm not sure why I'd use that word (painful). Probably because there isn't that many things in my life that is so accurate as that, that the unfamiliarity of the feeling being so precisely pointed out what is on my mind. She basically somehow managed to put into words what I have been doing: I'm struggling to match her personality. It was so spot on I was actually scared how she knows. She just said that it was apparent, and it kinda made me worry now if she (okay this is getting confusing) knows too. But anyway, for some reason I was in the mood of sharing more of my shittiness with her so I told her. Not sure if I have ever written it down in this blog before, but I am s...

Hi readers. Just had a talk with a friend. He is one with a really logical way of thinking. A little too logical for his own good sometimes... But that's beside the point of tonight's post. We talked about what I wrote in this post and he again told me how I take things too seriously. Like I need to take a chill pill and be less guarded about things. Well, I already know that I often take things too seriously (if I dare say it might actually be always, or almost all the time to be nice to myself), but I have no idea why I do, and how I can try not to be that way too much. I feel that I need to find out the reason why I am this way and work from there, but this piece (or pieces) of memory might be somewhere deep inside my psyche and might not be trivial to find out. So alternatively I could just consciously try to be more chill about things. It is definitely not going to be that easy, since it has become something like a character to me, and it is probably going to be easier...

Another 2 weeks another post! Just had an office holiday party last night and I (didn't) have a blast! Long story short. I invited her . Tried to enjoy myself by chugging on them booze. Didn't do a thing to my brain. If anything, it's my belly that felt that it gonna explode (upwards). She kinda enjoyed herself, I think. Like she was excited to meet some of my colleagues, but on the dance floor, I can tell she's not having nearly enough booze to let her hair down, but she tried anyway (I tried too. Too hard, too). After party, went to a bar. Left early / Bailed on her. (On the left is what she claimed was the way she saw it, on the right is the way I saw it). Anyway, talked to her and she said everything's good, even after I kinda pressed her to be honest with me. So I had no choice but to take her words for it. So, assuming she is being upfront, these are a few things I learn about myself: 1. I'm super closed. Well, I already knew this all along. But...

Hi readers! Quite a (relatively short) hiatus! I'm just back from a (kinda) long trip! Went to Jakarta to help out in a company event for university students, and then followed by my first ever visit to India, Chennai! Nothing much worth writing happened during those trip so I'm just gonna mention it here just so that I don't forget that these trips happened lol. The main reason I write this is to again, investigate what caused me to be in the state I am now. Currently I'm trying to better understand what is "wrong" with me. Here are the things that I think is "wrong" with me: 1. I have difficulty remembering details about some experiences and only remember what I "feel". The girl from  this post  also has the same issue which alarmed me. For example, say now I'm going to tell you about both my Jakarta and Chennai trip. I would say that in Jakarta I had fun hosting the event, but I can't remember/tell why it was the case. T...

Hi readers! Another day another post! Better be grateful while it lasts! Went to temple today. No one there. No one as in no one that I'd be happy to see. No, I'm not talking about her in particular. Well, she is one of the people that I'd be happy to see there, but I was actually just talking about any friends I can talk to in general. In the afternoon I met up with another girl who is actually a match from another dating app. Not for a date, but more for dating advice so to speak lol. The story is that she has just started to try to commit more to another guy, and I respected her decision since she has already been seeing him for 6 months. It was quite an interesting chat with her (rather an awkward one too). Learned that I'm not actually the worst of dates. Some random dude out there actually asked someone out for a date at MacDonald's! So if you're a guy and you think you're bad at dating, don't worry, there's always the MacDonald's guy ...

Hi again reader(s?). So many posts the last few days, yeah? In the past I would say that this is a good thing but now... not so much. I met up with a friend, who, for some reason, I became close to out of a sudden. Probably due to situation. But anyway met up with her and chat up a bit. Okay, for the benefit of readers who don't know what I'm talking about, and for my future reference, I should write a little more about this girl. Met her in university. Nice girl, seemed to be able to connect with a lot of people easily. After a while, I realized she might be onto something. As in, something's not really right whenever I asked her about how "popular" she is. Today I found out that I was right; that she's been going through something similar to what I've been going through, but worse. Anyway, initially I wished to talk about dating stuff, since I felt that she has established implicitly (but strongly) that she sees me as just friend, or "bro...

The weekend has just passed and I don't feel refreshed at all.. I think this is the first weekend in a while when I don't really have any major happening. Last week there was Cakka , the previous week was my third date with her , I believe... And the previous week was the weekend when one of my housemate initiated a house outing for my sake. So I guess it has been at least a month since I first started trying to change . I tried to write down what I think so far, as well as how I feel about finally having the weekend free from it, and I can't seem to formulate it at all... Like when I tried to do it, they just don't flow. It feels that there is a contradiction somewhere that either I don't know, or I simply refuse to acknowledge. Is it because I don't like the change? My mind resisting the change? The weeks when the weekend was filled with activities and plans leave me tired at the end of the week. I'm not sure if I felt contented, but I *think* at the...

Hi readers! What a long week it has been... And finally I have the weekend all for myself!!! (for the most part...) Few updates. Believe it or not, the girl from this post is still willing to go out with me!! I have no idea why she'd want that... I feel that I have been a terrible date (or even by just-friend standard) so far... I was late for our first proper date (not a meetup just because she happens to be in the area) and again today... And I'm not sure how I did, but I think I still suck at keeping up with her as in the previous dates... :cry: :cry: A little trivia update, I was just interviewed by Transferwise people because they wanted to do a promotional video for their Asian market. Friendly bunch, but I was too preoccupied for the date in the evening, I didn't even get to ask the questions I wanted to ask, or even properly thank them for their awesome product :'((((( OR TO EVEN ACTUALLY DOCUMENT IT BY TAKING SELFIE OR WHATEVER. FUCK I'M GETTING ...

Hi readers, today turned out to be a very heavy day for my heart. Today was supposedly the day I plugged off from daily life and tried to learn as much as possible about Dhamma from this forum called Cakka (not sure how long the link is going to be up). Turned out to be the day I got bombarded with hard, cold truths of reality, and seems like some stupid conflict on top of it too... So started the day and the event started at 9. Came late and needed to embarrass myself to find where the people I'm signing up with were sitting (I don't have to but decided to do it since it might be awkward for them, I signed up with 2 other friends who don't know one another). FYI, one of them was her . Cutting the story short, I found out she is taken. Actually, she told me that she is. I didn't let myself skip a single beat, maintained my poise and managed to say an as-normal-as-possible "congrats". Followed by some questions that *I* think a normal frie...

Hi readers! Lots of updates in the past few days, huh? I guess I just happened to be having a rather happening week. A few interesting stuff for my future self to look back (and maybe for readers who know me personally and want to know the stuff that has been happening in my life), in brief: I just met one of my matches the second time earlier this week. So I met up with that girl from the previous post again on Monday, since she happened to be in the area in the evening. This time round she's more free so I had the chance to bring her around the office and talked more about ourselves. I learned and gained a lot of insights about many things. For one, that I might be more of an asshole than I thought I am. I kept putting labels on her like "foreigner", "American", all kinds of things (not necessarily super offensive, but still kinda weird and unbecoming of me. She kindly reminded me how that's something that people shouldn't be saying time and ...