Just Another Emo Post, Avoid If You Are in A Light Mood

Hi everyone! This time, it is really quite a long hiatus since the last time I posted here. Indeed university life is very different from the relaxed life of the 6-month holiday I just went through (you don't say!), even JC! Some of you may have heard the saying that if you can go through JC, you can go through anything in life. WRONG. I would say that the more correct saying is that JC is the preview of what real life (or rather, university life, since I haven't gone to work yet) would be like. Things come and go really quickly and without you realizing it, you missed out on a lot of things even when it is only week 3 of your university life! Anyway, I am posting now not to compare JC and university.

Okay so the reason I am posting now is just to create a checkpoint in my university life so far, so that the future me can have a reference of his past, for whatever reason he may have. So far, things have been pretty okay. I took a hardcore "introduction to programming" module called CS1101S instead of the mainstream CS1010. So far, although I cannot really say that I am coping well, but I can say that I am not too far behind either. Perhaps, I am somewhere a tiny bit above the average, thanks to the lesson I took on the internet during the holiday. I feel I have been slacking too much though. It was partly because I need to spend some time with some friends (or actually, a friend) who do not stay in the same residence at me. Basically, yesterday (since it is already past 12 midnight) I converted 2.5 hours of the supposedly studying time into a bridge session. You know, the bridge card game, where you need to bid before you play and you need to win the number of tricks you bidded. In the end, I did not finish any of the coming week's tutorial thanks to that. Sometimes I blamed myself for being such a people-pleaser. I need to become more of an asshole, sometimes.

Another thing in my mind is, sadly, about girls. I noticed that I started to think less about girls on weekdays and more on the weekends, and I know why. On weekdays, I am too busy with school work, and no girls in my faculty to distract me from that (I am taking computer science, just to make it clear). On weekends, especially at the end of weekends like now, however, I always feel lonely. And I know why too. In the past, whenever I went to a place to meet a group of new friends (like orientation, camps, etc), the first thing that comes to mind is to look for girls. Now, because of *that* thing, I am not that eager to meet new girls anymore. (*that* thing is related to my seemingly perfect past life. Hopefully I can find the time and mood to finish it) Shortly, I have become really pessimistic and thus have no motivation to meet new girls, or even anyone at all. As for the latter, I just realized it much later. I noticed that despite going for the orientations and camps organized for the freshmen of my faculty, I find myself knowing very little people still. Worse yet, I am not even close friends with my Orientation Group (OG now onwards) mates, which is really sad.

The fact that I have failed to make meaningful connections with new people is affecting me quite badly, I guess, especially when I am not being distracted by my school work, like at night. I would listen to emo songs at such times and it just worsens my mood. I would become desperate and thinking of doing stupid things, like calling her or something at wee hours of night, expecting to get some words of comfort from her. Luckily, I don't drink so I have the benefit of thinking soberly and rationally, and I would not do the above-mentioned stupid thing because I know what I would get would be much different from what I expected, and thus ultimately would only worsen my mood further. Pessimistic? Maybe, but I would rather call it realistic, in this case.

Sometimes, I would also think of getting some words of comfort from the girl I know from some camp I went for last holiday. However, once again my rational and sober, possibly pessimistic, mind would not let me do it because she is, after all, a girl in her early teens. If anything, it should be her that seeks comfort from me, not the other way round. Moreover, I have not heard from her for quite a long time, so I am not holding my breath to find out if she actually still remembers me, or the conversation we had before I flew off to this God-forsaken land.

Yeah, her. I wonder how she's doing now. Maybe I should contact her one of these coming few days.

After that, I would usually wonder, do I really actually love any one of them, or is it just my desperation that makes me keep thinking about them? My pessimistic mind chose the latter, thus preventing me from making any moves towards any one of them, because I want to avoid courting girls just for the fun of it as much as possible, despite the strong temptation. Actually, even if I want to, I do not think I could. Maybe I should just actually try, just to prove my suspicion.

And thus, my misery would not end until I am really tired and finally fall asleep. Repeat procedure for every weekend night. Basically sums up my nights in university so far. And is happening this very night. I would love to break from this misery. I wish I know how. Life would be so much easier then.