I am getting skinnier

Hi, readers! I am sorry if I have made you all curious about my seemingly perfect past life because of the previous post, and yet have yet to continue my story. Unfortunately, this post is not about that. I am currently addicted to an old-school game "Yugi-Oh! Duel Academy" on GBA (of course I am playing it on my computer using emulator) and thus much of my time is wasted playing. Actually, it is possible that I am indulging myself in old-school games as an escape from my current rather miserable life. Not extremely miserable actually, but I have the tendency to exaggerate my troubles in my own mind.

That reminds me. I just attended a sort of reunion with my 4-year scholar friends. It is really nice to see some of them again after so many months. Some were in China, rendering them not contactable via Facebook. Some others, to be honest, I do not really care to keep in touch with them. I just do not quite clique with them and I do not see the point pretending or attempting to make me better suited with their ways. I have had enough of it. More on that on another post, hopefully. Most likely in one of the parts about my past life. Anyway, all of them said that I am getting skinnier. Well, actually I was not surprised at all, but if I said that I was not surprised, I would be compelled to tell them the reason and I would rather not to, thus I acted as if I do not realize that I am skinnier.

Anyway, since this is a place for me to write out my thoughts, I might as well tell you readers the reason, which I think you could guess it right. Stress. Depressed.

Firstly, I am depressed because of my father. I am not sure how much I have written about him, but he is really one of the last fathers I want to be with. He is a total weirdo, always forces me to do things that he wants me to go for but I do not want to, never listen to me if whatever I say is not in his interest (or listen to anybody at all), never give me a good reason whenever I ask for a justification why I need to go for the things that he wants me to go for but I do not want to - just keep beating around the bush and end the argument by, "so that's why you need to go for this."

Initially I obeyed whatever he said, really. Just to make him happy. I did not have much time interacting with him in the past four years and maybe this is the time to make up for it. But after a while, I was getting fed up and started to refuse his "orders". As I said earlier, he is not really of a listening type, so long story short, none of my refusal ends with me not going with the things that he wants me to go for but I do not want to. I was so depressed and lost my appetite so much that I could even feel that I was indeed getting thinner at some period of time. I enjoyed starving myself quite a bit, too, which made me scared that I might get an eating disorder or something, but luckily it did not really last for too long. Finally after some time my appetite got back, but since even with my normal appetite I do not gain any weight, thus I never get back to my initial weight. I was already quite skinny in the first place thus losing more weight is really quite disastrous; I can feel that almost anyone I eat with take pity on me. Whenever I am eating with friends, if we share the food together (such as when eating pizza, or when eating in Chinese restaurants) they will give me the biggest portion, if the food cannot be divided equally. It is of course nice to get more food, especially if it is nice and I pay the same price as others, but I do not like to be taken pity on. Nobody does, I think. 

Secondly, I am depressed because of my failure of getting things done during the holiday. My five goals for the long holiday are to start learning to code, to start a blog, to practice meditating (more for stress management purposes than religious reasons), to exercise for keeping fit and getting in shape, and to improve my Chinese. Apparently, only the first two out of five came true. The easiest two. Even the one about learning code, I do not remember when was the last time I actually coded. Perhaps a month ago or two. How have I spent my holiday until I failed to achieve the rest of the goals? I am not quite sure myself, but I find myself blaming my father for getting me to go for things that he wants me to go for but I do not want to. Because of going for the aforementioned things, I lost a lot of my time and got depressed, thus I escaped to playing computer games, losing more time, getting depressed for not getting things done, and the cycle goes on. 

Thirdly, because I am being alone for quite often this holiday, I find myself thinking about my seemingly perfect past life, comparing it with my current one, and getting depressed because the past seems so beautiful and so far away. More on that on other posts.

I guess I would just conclude this post here. Nobody wants to read about other people's misery anyway, since people are already facing some in their own lives. If anyone of you managed to read until this part, then I would like to thank you for your time, and sorry I have wasted it.