A question about sincerity

Hey readers. This post is once again another emo/melancholy/depressing post of mine. Feel free to close this tab if you do not feel like reading another person's miserable mind or you can also keep reading if you want. Disclaimer, it may make you feel as down as me, hopefully not worse.

Just as a background story, my mum, my brother and my sister came to Singapore to visit me, or rather, came to help me bring the stuff that I could not or I forgot to bring when I went to Singapore. Today was the last day of their short visit, which was only one night. After sending them to the airport, as I boarded the train back to my campus, I felt a sudden feeling of deep loneliness. Like, I suddenly felt that I am actually all alone in this world. I remember one of my friend who came to PGPR (the place where I stay in campus) earlier than me said that I should find a girlfriend if I do not want to be lonely here. Indeed he was right. PGPR is a really big residence and the chance of me being in the same cluster with any one at all that I know, or with any one from the same faculty is extremely slim. That makes you live practically alone; go to campus by yourself, have your meal yourself, go outside to buy your daily needs yourself, etc. Of course, you can just make a call or visit your friend's room who happens to live nearby, but he/she most likely would have their own business to do and thus I predict that after a number of rejections due to the different period of free time, you are likely to give up giving your friend a call to have breakfast/dinner together and would rather do whatever you need to do by yourself. Thus the need to have a girlfriend, since she is more likely to be willing to sacrifice her time to go with you. I really hope that it would not be the case, but I feel that the chance of it happening is very likely. Anyway, I have sidetracked too much.

This feeling of sudden loneliness that I felt, is something like this; each of us has our own set of problems, and I feel that most people, if not all, are too busy with their own problems to sincerely care about other people's problems. This makes me feel that despite all the friends that I have in PGPR, I ultimately live alone. I do not know for sure why and when exactly I had this sudden painful realization, but I know that I may have spiced it up with my tendency of exaggerating my misery. For one thing, the fact that my mum cares about the little problems I face in PGPR actually terrifies me. She takes the problem of the ceiling fan's position seriously, suggesting me to buy another fan and not to use the ceiling fan while sleeping. I refused because I feel that it is too troublesome, but she offered to send one from home instead. Not knowing how to refuse, I finally conceded. Anyway, my point is, the fact that she is willing to go through the trouble to send me a fan shows sincerity. A sincere care for another person's well-being. I really do not know if I am just exaggerating whatever my mum is doing to me, but due to something that happened in the past, I feel that there is no such thing as genuine sincerity. I feel that any good deeds a person did to another, is actually an investment by the benefactor to the beneficiary, because the benefactor sees the beneficiary to be able to benefit him in the foreseeable future. Maybe you would like to rebut me. Fine. Tell me who you think help you in times of need sincerely. Your close friends? They do it because they know they could have been in the same state that you are in when you needed help, thus they help you with the hope that you would do the same if they are the one who need help. Your girl/boyfriend? She/he cares for you because she/he does not want to lose you. It may sound sweet initially, but if you look at it one more time, it is actually the best example of human's most basic instinct: to fulfill own's wants. One craves for the care and attention of the opposite gender, so one does things that could make her fall for him, or vice versa, so that one could attain the care and attention one craves for from her. If one still wants her care and attention, one will do whatever it takes to make her stay. If one loses interest, he breaks up with her and looks for a new one. So much for sincerity in a relationship. In my mum's case, however, I could not think of how the beneficiary (me) could in anyway able to repay the benefactor (my mum) in the foreseeable future. Thus the deep impression made on me on the train back to my residence.

I think I will end this here for now. I am really exhausted, both mentally and physically. I know this may not make much sense to you, since I am too tired to write properly and it is a writing about my thoughts in such a bad state. Nevertheless, this is more for my own record than for your enjoyment so yeah. I am sorry if I have wasted your precious time.