Not the third interview, yet

Hi readers/passer-bys!!! It is really amazing how my blog's pageview always increases tremendously whenever I am away and increases ever so slowly whenever I am actively posting (like once every two days or so). I am pretty sure I only left this blog in less than a week, yet the pageview has exceeded 400! Anyway, I am sure you have noticed how obsessed I am with pageviews. Maybe that number somewhat fulfills my ego as a person to be famous, or accepted, at least. You know, people my age are rather crazy for... being accepted. Especially if you happen to fall at the lower end of the social strata. The thing is, we never really know in which social stratum we fall into. You may think that you are at the lower end though your friends actually think you are somewhere in the middle or maybe slightly higher. Or the other way round.

Anyway, I am not going to give you any advice on socializing, since I am having a problem in socializing myself. Well, I believe I have told you in previous posts that I am not really a social butterfly; more often than not, I am that guy who most of the time stay quiet in the middle of a social interaction, and when the rest run out of conversation topic, then it would be like, "Hey, why are you so quiet?" And I am that guy who would answer, "Uh, well, what am I supposed to say?" Or if I happen to think more creatively at such occasions, I would say, "I am just trying to hide my awesomeness," then everyone would be cracked up, before someone else start up another topic and I am saved from further questioning.

Actually, I am not always like that. It depends on the social circle I was at. If I am gathering with my bros, of course I would not be the quiet one! In fact, all of us would be so rowdy we cannot believe that we are that quiet guys in our other social circles. So, let me tell you, there is a lot of truth in that 9gag post that says along the line, "I am quiet if you don't know me well, but once you know me, get ready for some crazy shit."

Some of you who follow my blog (hello? Anyone?) may wonder, "What the hell, man? I thought you wrote in your previous post that you are going to write about your third interview? Why am I getting this stupid teenager rant? I have had enough on my Facebook news feed and Twitter timeline already!!" Well, I am sorry but I just do not feel like doing it as of now. Maybe the next post, when my mood is a little better. As a preview, the interview itself went quite OK; at least better than the second one. Hey, at least I learned from my mistakes, right?

So, my point of posting this (main point on the 5th paragraph, wtf?!) is to tell you guys that.... I am feeling really depressed. Or at least was. Now I am feeling a little better. The reason for this depression is... rather complicated, I would say. Or at least so I perceived. So, to make your own judgement, I will try to tell you what makes me depressed.

So, before the interview, before I fly back to Singapore, my Mum kept pressurizing me to choose NUS and NTU soon. I knew that her intention was good; if I choose NUS, I would need to register for on-campus accommodation, whose application window is already opened and closing at the end of the month. However, I could not concentrate. I was too caught up with my upcoming interview then. She kept pressurizing me until she noticed me not quite listening to her nag and asked what was on my mind. When I said the interview, she did stop nagging at me, but I still felt that hope for me to choose quickly. She even called my uncle (aka her brother) to consult him regarding which choice should I choose. Well, for outsiders, strangers, or acquaintances, of course double degree is a sure thing. Some more, it is a double degree of computing with business, that highly sought degree (the business I mean). For those who know me better would know how confused I am and unable (or do not have the courage) to suggest me which the better choice is. It is impossible to decide then, really, since I couldn't even concentrate to read my own prepared answers for standard interview questions. I could not lift it out of my mind and even considered to ask my interviewer about it (though fortunately in the end I did not do it).

Other thing that pressurizing me is the fuss created by my choice to return back to my home country first in between the interviews which were only exactly a week away. That was my initial plan as well, to stay back for the week and only return after the 17th. However, I just do not feel so comfortable staying in my relative's house. I do not mean not to say that the house is not comfortable or something, but I just do not want to feel that I am troubling them. I mean, I do not know. I just easily feel that I am troubling someone whenever I ask them a favour. Perhaps due to a long exposure to the internet and 9gag, I have this perception that people only care about themselves and do not give a shit about others unless it is for their own interests. It is true to quite a large extent, I must say. However, the environment I live in is actually is not that bad. I mean, come on, we are family. Or an extended family, at least. Just giving a place to sleep, provide breakfast and wash clothes are not much of a hassle, are they? Well, I still felt that I would be giving too much trouble if I stay for too long, so I decided to go back instead of staying. That creates a fuss among my friends. They kept telling me that it is better to stay back and all, to the point that I was thinking that I had made a huge mistake doing it. Some more, it was a high season period (a long weekend in my home country) so the return ticket's price skyrocketed. I managed to get a somewhat cheaper one, though still more expensive than the normal price. However, the peer pressure was getting into my subconscious mind or something, I felt I really had made a huge mistake and I should just forgo the ticket and stay back. Moreover, I was trying to get over my f**ked up interview and the feeling that you have made a wrong choice for such a simple and trivial thing made me feel like shit, and I cried in the shower before the flight back. Of course, being a good boy and all, I decided not to forgo the ticket, but regretting my decision the whole flight.

Back to Singapore for the interview on the 17th, after the interview, again the ticket prices skyrocketed as it was a long weekend there in Singapore. No shit, I told myself. This time I would just book a Monday flight or something. But I was wrong. My Mum once again pressurized me to buy a ticket soon, I just agreed to whatever ticket she offered she would buy for me. It was a Sunday morning ticket. And on the Saturday night, my friends asked me to stay over. I would really love to, but I was really exhausted from the pressure from everywhere, and I foresee a sleepless night playing DotA such that I would not be able to wake up the next morning, not to mention I had a feeling that I was in denial in thinking that my interview was a rather successful one. They also asked me to stay for the whole week as they are going to Universal Studio next Saturday. The pressure was really too much, I was unable to give any reason for my rejection. I left my friends' house in awkwardness.

The next morning (the morning of my flight) I was really in a bad mood; not knowing why I kept making the wrong choices, and fearing that I would make the same mistake when choosing my university. I was feeling really down I kept a long face for the full trip from my uncle's house all the way to my home country, and posting some emo stuff on a social network with nobody inside (3 guesses in the comment!) I kept the long face, though cutting it off occasionally for the sake of my sister whom I do not want to bring to the same state of mood as mine. It was only until she came to my house that my day was suddenly got better. I mean, it was really like a miracle. I was really tired because of the burden in my mind, and all I wanted was to sleep it away. However, before I managed to get some sleep, my Mum called me that she would come to my house soon to take her NUS admission letter which I helped to take from her boarding school last time. Ah, heck. I was not in the mood of talking to anyone so I was thinking to just pass the letter to my Mum and retire back to my room. However, I was really very exhausted due to the burden in my mind I just held the letter in my breast, sitting on my living room's sofa, staring at blank space, until I heard the ring of the bell. I got the door since my Mum was cooking. Just the sight of her enable me to make a smile.

My Mum popped up behind  me and asked her, her parents and brother to come in. We talked a little. My Mum and her family I meant. While I for some reason managed to get a seat right beside her and talked between ourselves. Initially I did not want to start a conversation with her since my mood was really low, but she initiated it first. After talking a while, my mood was getting better. Then I brought up the topic, the one thing that started all my misery. NUS, or NTU? Of course, the whole group was able to heard us and they brought the topic up to their conversation as well. Of course, the logical answer would be the NTU double degree. Even she said so. I did not really think much when she said double degree, but after that, her Mum asked me which one I actually wanted. I answered I really do not know. However, I forgot how, but somehow, for some reasons, she said to me something like, "You actually want NUS, right?" I stunned for a short while at that. Why? I was not sure myself. Could it be that I really actually want NUS?

Well, just some intermezzo, I did the stupid coin experiment. You know, the one in which you allocate heads as, let say, in this case, NUS, and tails as NTU. Flip the coin, and the result is what you should choose. If it came out heads and you do not like it, then it means you actually want NTU and vice versa. So I did the stupid experiment, and got tails. I felt okay. Like, no joy, nor sorrow. I thought that means NTU is the choice I really want. However, I decided not to rely on the stupid experiment and think about it a little while more. 

Okay, so, let's continue the story. She said that. I was stunned for a short while. I thought for some response. "Maybe" was all that came out of my mouth. Then I stared into blank space again for a short while, thinking the reasons why I was so hesitant to follow the majority's opinion to choose NTU. When they were leaving, she somewhat kept persuading me to choose NUS. Not that intensely though, just some light, "Just choose NUS!" (Or in Indonesian, "Udah lah, NUS aja!") I did not really answer her; I just smiled. I do not know why. Maybe because she is also going to NUS, and the fact that she persuaded me to go there as well, means she has feelings for me? Or is it because I gained some confidence to oppose the mainstream opinion? I really do not know. All I know was that my day just got better and I am able to entertain my sister better, who returned from a neighboring city where she undertook her undergraduate study.

To be honest, really, that "she" is not my crush. We were just old friends. I do have some feelings for her, thinking about dating her and stuff (in fact, we dated once, though it was more like a friendly date) but me, being shy and quiet, is not really capable of getting a girl that quickly. Besides, I always doubt myself if I really love her or it is just a temporary crush. Anyway, I would like to thank her for brightening up my day though she may not know about doing it. Sorry if the post got too long; I also did not expect it to get this long. By the way, this time for sure, the next interview would be about my third interview with Ecquaria. So, those of you having the same interview, stay tuned! Maybe you could gain some insights as to how your chances are, as compared to mine.