Of Emotional Immersion and Moving On

Hello again, readers. I think I have relatively come out of the "pit of despair" that is a couple of posts back and is, for the most part, back to a normal-er state of mind. In this post, I want to share something that is not about self-pity and regret for once, but I just want to write it down for my future reference (or maybe you readers - if any - can find it useful).

Moving on is not easy (as you readers can see from the previous 2 posts). You have to accept the fact that things are not the way they were, and most likely, are not going to be the way they were ever again. I somehow, somewhat managed to get there in the past few days (or at least maintain it for the past few days until now).

It was especially tough a week ago or so. I think I was in the brink of depression (or maybe I was already in one). I didn't contemplate suicide, but the feeling of sadness was so overwhelming that I can't really function. For example, at work, I practically only do something productive 1 minute every 10 minutes. The rest of the time was taken to basically trying to overcome this heavy feeling in my body (somewhere in the stomach and chest, I think). I'd feel really exhausted fighting that feeling that on top of that 90% productivity hit, I'd take naps as well. Now I also understand why she sleeps very long hours despite sleeping relatively early, and still takes naps in the afternoon. Now I also understand what she (different she) was talking about when she said that she felt she hasn't been productive all day - I've always thought she's just exaggerating. Fighting your own mind all day long is indeed very exhausting. And I must say I am very impressed of her (back to the original she/her) for being able to be one of the top contributor of her team despite all her mental health issues.

I also understand why she loves salad so much. I think one side effect of depression/anxiety is that your stomach can't stomach (sorry for the uncreative choice of word) heavy stuff (like anything oily, meat, dairy, etc) even when you feel hungry, and salad feels like the perfect choice on those occasions. Because of this, I've been feeling rather sick of the food near my house as most (if not all) of them are practically what I described as heavy stuff (almost always oily, very limited vegetarian option).

With all that said, the most important thing that I realize with all these "emotional immersion" is that how I was being a very bad caregiver/support for her. I was basically imposing my views of having a good eating habit on her, which is something I'd totally hate if I were to encounter someone like me during my depressive episode, and I'm again very impressed by how she was willing to accept all the good eating habit crap I threw at her.

This unintended emotional immersion gave me a strong urge to apologize again to her. Even though I already did, I think this new realizations gave me a new, deeper understanding of what to apologize for. I contacted(!) her to do exactly that. I felt I failed to express what I want to say fully (felt like I was just reiterating what she already heard) so I'm kinda sad about it, but I guess it probably won't matter if I did. It's not like she'd reverse her decision just because I said it better - I think she doesn't want to anyway. Or probably not yet. But that is the hopeful/delusional part of me speaking. Realistically - like what I said in the beginning - things are not going to be the way they were ever again. And I just need to accept that and move on.

I'm just going to quickly include - for the benefit of my future self and any readers - that I got into meditation in order to help me cope. It's been very useful so far but I must say that it takes discipline  and multi-pronged approach for me to get here. For example - on the days when I felt especially overwhelmed, other than meditation, I also went for a run just to tire my body a little bit so I'd be more inclined to rest my mind and make it more conducive for meditation (as opposed to having too much energy and unable to stop my mind from racing and thus unable to meditate). Actually the initial reason I picked up meditation was because I wanted to suggest her to take it up to help her recovery, but I figured I should try it first and see the benefit on myself (instead of just throwing it at her without trying it myself like the good eating habit and TCM crap). Turns out I need it anyway and the benefit is indeed there - but I don't think she's in the state of mind where she'd accept my suggestion, so I'll just hope that she can find something that can help her heal on her own, or from someone else.

Thank you for reading (if there are any readers). Good luck and all the best in your future endeavours!