When Silence Is No Longer Golden

Hi readers. That was very naive of me to think that moving on is as easy as what I wrote in the previous post. I suppose some readers (if there is any?) who have experienced break-up would have guessed that won't be the last of it. Now I know that it will probably be a mental scar that I'd carry for a long time... There are reasons why moving on is not easy, and everyone's reasons would be different. For me, it is mostly because of these two reasons: the thought that I'd never meet someone as good as her, and how much of a monster I was to her. And I'm not even exaggerating. I don't think I really want to go through why I think I'd never meet someone as good as her... The short story is that she ticks basically all the checkboxes of what I look for in a girl, and then some. I think the right way forward here is to wipe the expectation that whoever I'm with next has to be equal or better than her. After all, everyone is different and using the criteria wh

Hello again, readers. I think I have relatively come out of the "pit of despair" that is a couple of posts back and is, for the most part, back to a normal-er state of mind. In this post, I want to share something that is not about self-pity and regret for once, but I just want to write it down for my future reference (or maybe you readers - if any - can find it useful). Moving on is not easy (as you readers can see from the previous 2 posts). You have to accept the fact that things are not the way they were, and most likely, are not going to be the way they were ever again. I somehow, somewhat managed to get there in the past few days (or at least maintain it for the past few days until now). It was especially tough a week ago or so. I think I was in the brink of depression (or maybe I was already in one). I didn't contemplate suicide, but the feeling of sadness was so overwhelming that I can't really function. For example, at work, I practically only do something pr

Hi readers. I can't (or probably subconsciously don't want to) remember what I wrote in my previous post exactly, but I know it is about how I contributed to her downward spiral and subsequently, us falling out. Predictably, this post is going to be about how I'm coping with it one month after. So people have a saying about the 4 (or apparently 5, after googling it) stages of grief. So I think I'm somewhere in the bargaining /depression stage right now (fast forward the denial and anger part lel). It feels more like everything merges into one, but I guess some stage is stronger at different part than others. Currently, it's definitely the bargaining/depression part is the strongest. But I think I jumped the gun; I wanted to share with any reader (if any at all) or at least my future self, in hope that this will be useful if I ever have to go through it all over again (gosh hopefully not, but I think I will). So the first few things I did after she initiated the brea

 Wow, didn't realize it's been almost a year since the last time I posted! I have like 3 draft entries that I ended up not posting for whatever reason, and today is the day I need to post as I once again (insert Bernie meme here) cannot find a medium of outlet other than this one. She got admitted into a mental ward. And I am definitely at fault. I have once again been putting unnecessary pressure on her, and she snapped. Where should I even start? There were so much I wanted to write down during my long walk and here I am in front of my laptop at a loss of words and just rambling these meaningless words. I took a long walk after the news got to me (she was kind enough to break the news to me personally before her phone was taken from her, and I am extremely grateful for that). One of the longest I took in memory. Just walking aimlessly for almost an hour before I finally realized it was getting dark and I was in an area where there's no street light so I needed to make my

It hasn't even been a month since the last time I made her feel horrible, I did it again tonight. This time, it's because of my ego. Ego is something that everyone has, regardless of how low self-esteemed they are. Mine, in particular, likes to feel and prove that I'm better than someone that I think I should be better than. Get it? Easiest way to explain is that say in school, you have this one friend who everyone likes to bully. Say you're not particularly into bullying them, so you're still friends with them. However, when interacting with them, there are times when that person might be better than you in some way, for example they said something smart about something. You'd feel an urge to one-up that person just to maintain the feeling that you're better than that bullied person. In my case, believe it or not, I feel that I'm the better person in my relationship. Again, not starting the relationship with the right mindset. Everybody knows that i