Still Coping. Nothing to See Here, Move On (No Pun Intended)

Hi readers. That was very naive of me to think that moving on is as easy as what I wrote in the previous post. I suppose some readers (if there is any?) who have experienced break-up would have guessed that won't be the last of it. Now I know that it will probably be a mental scar that I'd carry for a long time...

There are reasons why moving on is not easy, and everyone's reasons would be different. For me, it is mostly because of these two reasons: the thought that I'd never meet someone as good as her, and how much of a monster I was to her. And I'm not even exaggerating.

I don't think I really want to go through why I think I'd never meet someone as good as her... The short story is that she ticks basically all the checkboxes of what I look for in a girl, and then some. I think the right way forward here is to wipe the expectation that whoever I'm with next has to be equal or better than her. After all, everyone is different and using the criteria where she excelled to measure the next person's worth is definitely not going to help anyone.

The second one is definitely something that I have the most difficulty coming to terms with. Just like most people, I see myself as mostly a good person with good intentions, and trying to better myself everyday (just like what I wrote in some corner of this blog). This incident kinda breaks that good person image I have of myself. Every time I have flashbacks of my experience with her, I often remember how I've responded in the worst possible way I'd want someone to respond if I were to be asking the same question (now that I know how it feels like to be depressed/anxious). And then I remember how she'd been taking my "abuses" in her stride, until that tipping point where every thing came crashing down on her (and me). And then I remember how I was still trying to hold on to this good person image and try to phrase my stories to my friends in a way that doesn't put me in the bad light. And then I also remember the last few interactions I had with her where I did exactly that to her (basically gaslighting her). And then I remember how I had been doing that (emotional abuse) even on the earlier part of our relationship and how many times she'd been giving me second chances (at this point should be called n-th chance) and now that I really, really, realize my mistake, there's no more chance to speak of. And I know even if I were to say all these to her, the emotional scar I've been putting on her is not one that's going to heal even if I had the chance to show her that I've really understood my mistakes.

The last time I called her, I tried to express all the above, but my words failed me and I ended up saying that "I missed her like crazy, and I understood why she did the things she did," and if we could try again if the situation permits. She told me no, and that it's time to move on. I guess it's the time to actually listen to her for the last time. Probably my very last chance to do that anyway. She'd been doing that and I don't remember, ever, taking her words for it and just do it. I always tried to analyze and second-guess what she meant, and ended up not doing whatever she told me. Like how she really couldn't eat when she said she couldn't, how she just wants some reassurance when she's feeling anxious, and many other things that I can't/don't want to remember. Now, it's probably time to take her words for it. It's time to move on. No catch.

I still wish that I could repent all the bad things I did to her, but I think it's pretty clear that I'm unlikely to ever get the chance to do that in this lifetime. In any case, if/whenever the opportunity appears, I hope I can do her justice then. For now, I just have to accept the more likely possibility that I will never get the chance, and live with that. I hope by treating the next person better, I'd be able to make peace, that at least her mental sacrifice is not in vain. And hopefully, she can find someone that she truly deserves, and she deserves only the best.

And I hope my future self can match up to such a person.

I wish you the very, very best in your life's endeavours.