Ego
It hasn't even been a month since the last time I made her feel horrible, I did it again tonight. This time, it's because of my ego.
Ego is something that everyone has, regardless of how low self-esteemed they are. Mine, in particular, likes to feel and prove that I'm better than someone that I think I should be better than. Get it? Easiest way to explain is that say in school, you have this one friend who everyone likes to bully. Say you're not particularly into bullying them, so you're still friends with them. However, when interacting with them, there are times when that person might be better than you in some way, for example they said something smart about something. You'd feel an urge to one-up that person just to maintain the feeling that you're better than that bullied person.
In my case, believe it or not, I feel that I'm the better person in my relationship. Again, not starting the relationship with the right mindset. Everybody knows that in a relationship, both parties should see each other as equals, not that one is the settler and the other one is the reacher. To be fair, it's not something that I'd think about every time I interact with her - I have my fair share of moments where I feel that I'm the reacher and wonder why she would want to be with me. The devil is at those moments when you didn't think of it consciously, but subconsciously you have the urge to assert that you are the better person in the relationship. And thinking back, I have a tonne of those moments, but today was one that caused her to reach her limit. Probably also because of the topics where I tried to assert my status are those that are close to her heart.
Earlier today she told me how she wanted to start a plushy sales to gather donation for Australia bush fire. Instead of showing support, the first words I uttered was that how I feel we (people in general) have donated so much money that those charity organization won't know how and where to spend it. I wanted to say that I'm not sure why I said that, but deep down I know very well that I just want to sound smart and thoughtful. In any case, I did say that I support her effort (I really do. Despite my skepticism, I think it's better than doing nothing/simply complaining about it/playing the blame game), but I'm sure the impact of those supportive words are not as strong if I didn't say any of those skeptical words. We ended that argument quite peacefully though, and all credits go to her for being patient with me.
Later on she shared with me about problems that her best friend are facing. She told me how she tried to help and how she felt bad that she didn't feel so bad about her friend's condition (not sure if that makes sense). Instead of showing support, I told her not to get carried away and let her friend make her own decisions. That's actually exactly what she's been doing (and what she's been telling me), and I'd like to say I don't know why I said that, but deep down I know it's because the urge to satisfy my ego - the belief that I'm the reasonable one in the relationship and somehow whatever she did is somewhat or at least slightly irrational compared to what I'd have done. On that topic, I also mention about how I disagree with the way she manages her issues and how I'd like to change that (her friend faced similar issues). That struck a chord and she asked me to end the conversation on that topic and I relented (of course, because I'm the rational one in the relationship, right? - Ego speaking). We talked a little bit about other things - trying to distract ourselves from the previous topic but she looked reaallllyyy tired. I felt bad trying to continue the conversation, but at the same time I had the feeling that I should, so that she can forget about the previous topic, but I couldn't bring myself to do that looking at how tired she was, so we ended our call.
Soon after, she texted me she felt really horrible. I asked why and she told me she didn't know. I tried to assure her that that feeling will pass. She didn't text me back and I hope she fell asleep. Only after then I realize that it's probably because I was putting unnecessary pressure on her - how whatever she's doing is wrong and whatever I think she should be doing is right - even though they're the exact same thing. I felt really bad and hoped she'd still be awake for me to tell her these, but she's not replying me. I *really* hope she was really already asleep, and that I still have yet another chance with her.
What can I do moving forward with this realization? I suppose one thing is to realize what I was about to say before I actually said it - and recognize the motivation behind it. Not just when I'm interacting with her, but with everyone - because if it's just with her it's not trying to solve the root cause of the problem - it's just avoiding it. I realize that I do like to say something to someone that I think is inferior to me just to assert the status that my ego thinks I have. On the other hand, I prefer to keep quiet around people who I think is better than me. I know that it is a bad habit but it satisfies my ego and there's been no real incentive to work on that. Now there is.
Hopefully by being mindful with my motivations of saying something, I can be a better person overall in time. And hopefully she's patient enough to deal with me in the journey.
Wish me luck, and I, too, wish you best of luck in your life's endeavors.
Ego is something that everyone has, regardless of how low self-esteemed they are. Mine, in particular, likes to feel and prove that I'm better than someone that I think I should be better than. Get it? Easiest way to explain is that say in school, you have this one friend who everyone likes to bully. Say you're not particularly into bullying them, so you're still friends with them. However, when interacting with them, there are times when that person might be better than you in some way, for example they said something smart about something. You'd feel an urge to one-up that person just to maintain the feeling that you're better than that bullied person.
In my case, believe it or not, I feel that I'm the better person in my relationship. Again, not starting the relationship with the right mindset. Everybody knows that in a relationship, both parties should see each other as equals, not that one is the settler and the other one is the reacher. To be fair, it's not something that I'd think about every time I interact with her - I have my fair share of moments where I feel that I'm the reacher and wonder why she would want to be with me. The devil is at those moments when you didn't think of it consciously, but subconsciously you have the urge to assert that you are the better person in the relationship. And thinking back, I have a tonne of those moments, but today was one that caused her to reach her limit. Probably also because of the topics where I tried to assert my status are those that are close to her heart.
Earlier today she told me how she wanted to start a plushy sales to gather donation for Australia bush fire. Instead of showing support, the first words I uttered was that how I feel we (people in general) have donated so much money that those charity organization won't know how and where to spend it. I wanted to say that I'm not sure why I said that, but deep down I know very well that I just want to sound smart and thoughtful. In any case, I did say that I support her effort (I really do. Despite my skepticism, I think it's better than doing nothing/simply complaining about it/playing the blame game), but I'm sure the impact of those supportive words are not as strong if I didn't say any of those skeptical words. We ended that argument quite peacefully though, and all credits go to her for being patient with me.
Later on she shared with me about problems that her best friend are facing. She told me how she tried to help and how she felt bad that she didn't feel so bad about her friend's condition (not sure if that makes sense). Instead of showing support, I told her not to get carried away and let her friend make her own decisions. That's actually exactly what she's been doing (and what she's been telling me), and I'd like to say I don't know why I said that, but deep down I know it's because the urge to satisfy my ego - the belief that I'm the reasonable one in the relationship and somehow whatever she did is somewhat or at least slightly irrational compared to what I'd have done. On that topic, I also mention about how I disagree with the way she manages her issues and how I'd like to change that (her friend faced similar issues). That struck a chord and she asked me to end the conversation on that topic and I relented (of course, because I'm the rational one in the relationship, right? - Ego speaking). We talked a little bit about other things - trying to distract ourselves from the previous topic but she looked reaallllyyy tired. I felt bad trying to continue the conversation, but at the same time I had the feeling that I should, so that she can forget about the previous topic, but I couldn't bring myself to do that looking at how tired she was, so we ended our call.
Soon after, she texted me she felt really horrible. I asked why and she told me she didn't know. I tried to assure her that that feeling will pass. She didn't text me back and I hope she fell asleep. Only after then I realize that it's probably because I was putting unnecessary pressure on her - how whatever she's doing is wrong and whatever I think she should be doing is right - even though they're the exact same thing. I felt really bad and hoped she'd still be awake for me to tell her these, but she's not replying me. I *really* hope she was really already asleep, and that I still have yet another chance with her.
What can I do moving forward with this realization? I suppose one thing is to realize what I was about to say before I actually said it - and recognize the motivation behind it. Not just when I'm interacting with her, but with everyone - because if it's just with her it's not trying to solve the root cause of the problem - it's just avoiding it. I realize that I do like to say something to someone that I think is inferior to me just to assert the status that my ego thinks I have. On the other hand, I prefer to keep quiet around people who I think is better than me. I know that it is a bad habit but it satisfies my ego and there's been no real incentive to work on that. Now there is.
Hopefully by being mindful with my motivations of saying something, I can be a better person overall in time. And hopefully she's patient enough to deal with me in the journey.
Wish me luck, and I, too, wish you best of luck in your life's endeavors.
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