Mr Roboto

Hi readers. I can't (or probably subconsciously don't want to) remember what I wrote in my previous post exactly, but I know it is about how I contributed to her downward spiral and subsequently, us falling out. Predictably, this post is going to be about how I'm coping with it one month after.

So people have a saying about the 4 (or apparently 5, after googling it) stages of grief. So I think I'm somewhere in the bargaining /depression stage right now (fast forward the denial and anger part lel). It feels more like everything merges into one, but I guess some stage is stronger at different part than others. Currently, it's definitely the bargaining/depression part is the strongest. But I think I jumped the gun; I wanted to share with any reader (if any at all) or at least my future self, in hope that this will be useful if I ever have to go through it all over again (gosh hopefully not, but I think I will).

So the first few things I did after she initiated the breakup, is how I overthink whatever she said during and/or after. For example, she said the reason she made the decision is because she was mentally drained after the incident, and she thinks it won't be good for either of us to continue the relationship when she's at that state (or something along the line, I'm bad at remembering details). At the time, I was so overwhelmed and had the impression that she must be hating me to the core that I just blankly said ok and said how she had been a great partner and how it will be difficult to find someone like her in the future (since I assumed there's no way we're getting back together with her being so mad at me at the last point of our interaction).

The next couple of days was probably the worst couple of days of my life. I had difficulty sleeping, felt anxious most of the time, and simply had a tough time at work (interacting with anyone or concentrating at task at hand). Mostly, I think I was just starting to internalize what happened and is in that denial stage of the 4/5 stages. I'm starting to worry the little details of what she said during the breakup. Maybe she actually has intentions of getting back together? And the fact that I said that it'll be hard to find someone else like her when I go back dating is like signaling her that I don't have the same intention? What if I made her changed her mind because of that? I was very worried of it, that I decided to contact her like just 2-3 days after. So I expressed my willingness to support her recovery despite not being in a relationship, but she lashed back, asking that how I can do that with me being physically away from her (or something along the line. Again, I'm bad at details). This made me think - OK, I guess I gonna find out if it is even possible to do that, so I contacted a counsellor to ask them exactly that. I have only had one session so far, with the session was mostly taken up with establishing the context, so I haven't gotten the answer to that yet.

Another denial/bargaining thing I did was: I talked to my parents about their opinion about me having a hypothetical partner with mental health condition (since at the time I'm technically not with her anymore) and to my surprise, they are actually very supportive and helped to find some resources for healing/recovery, or at least better manage such things. I was very surprised and kinda regretted not asking them sooner, though honestly the reason I didn't do that was because she told me not to tell them for fear of them not agreeing to our relationship (which I think is a fair point - in my home country the stigma on mental health is still very strong).

There was a period where the denial/anger was strong. The anger was mostly directed towards myself. Some examples are like: if only I didn't brainwash myself with those TCM lessons, I'd probably not pressure her into a food therapy that might not even suit her (I pressured her to follow a prescription that is like 6 months old); or if only work wasn't so hectic during that period, I won't take it out on her, by wishing she's not so emotional, would take care of herself better by eating more regularly, and also hoping the outdated food therapy prescription would help. If only I decided to stay with her for the whole duration of the pandemic, all of these wouldn't have happened. If only I didn't take her for granted, I wouldn't have done any of these things that led to her spiral. Why was I so easily brainwashed? Why is my work so hectic? Why am I not good enough with my work that I can't always spend quality time with her whenever I want? Why did I decide to leave her? Why can't I see the good she's done to me and be more appreciative and not taking her for granted? But anyway, all these thoughts are not as strong now, and I try to take it as a lesson.

The latest grief coping shenanigans I did (which kinda triggers the writing of this post) is that I am planning to attend (on zoom, for obvious reasons) the Kathina celebration organized by the Buddhist society she's in. Not gonna deny that I wish to see her again there, but anyway the Kathina celebration at where I live is for some reason going to be held in the afternoon, and I already made plans for the Sunday afternoon. Out of combination of curiosity and respect, I intended to ask her if she's attending, and if she is, ask if it's okay if I participate as well (in case she prefer not to see my face/name). She answered in a very brief and curt (at least to me) manner "maybe not". I wanted to ask why, but then thinking that it's probably not my business anymore to ask about that, and she probably thought that I want to control her life again by expecting her to come (just like I expect her to eat regularly and stuff), so I decided to retract the question afterwards (by telling her not to answer it) and thanked her for still replying to my messages. She just blue-ticked me, which is totally fair. After all, I did ask her not to answer it and there's nothing else to say.

That last interaction left me thinking. Specifically, it reminds me of a sentence in a book I read about meditation (I've been trying to cope with meditation) that goes something along the line of: don't worry about the future, because whatever you think how the future is going to be, it's not going to be like that! Which is totally true in the many cases I interacted with her post-incident. I expected her to either be extremely mad at me and our breakup is going to be messy, or we'll try to stay together somehow. Turns out, she indeed initiated a break up, but by being very civil about it, though it doesn't stop me from overthinking everything anyway. The couple of days after, I expected her to ignore my request to talk to her again so soon after the breakup, but turns out she still entertained my request. For the Kathina chat, I was expecting that she'd ask me why I asked if she's attending, and maybe we can have a short catch-up. Instead, she answered me as short as she can (I think) which left me no space to continue the chat into a catch-up, so I was forced to leave it at that. To be honest, there were a lot of other situations I thought in my head for the above 3 interactions I initiated, and none of them actually happened - it's always something else I didn't expect. So I guess it's either I didn't actually know her well enough, or I'm in too deep in a state of distraught to think straight, or the sentence in that meditation book is just too true.

This also strengthened my resolve to try to get over her. For the past weeks, I was in confusion on whether I should get over her as in normal breakup, or just try to get used to life without her until she's ready again to get back together. I was mostly doing the second one, which I realized, is not a good mentality to go with. I'm just going to come back to her again and again, and be in the way of her recovery, probably. Best is to just get over her as in normal breakup anyway, and if she indeed wants to get back together, she'd reach out to me and that's a bonus. Otherwise, I got over her anyway and can move on with life. Sometimes I wonder if it's the wrong thing to think and I should be there on her recovery process instead. After all, relationship is about being there for the person during high and low, right? Of course, that also hinges on the fact on whether the person on recovery wants you to be part of their recovery. The last interaction gave me the signal that the answer is no in this case.

She is actually aware of the existence of this blog, but I'm not sure if she's subscribed or checks this page at all, since I didn't really write while I'm with her so there wasn't many updates anyway. But regardless, I think the fact she reads this or not is not going to change her decision in any way, so I think it's fine to post it, as a reflection for myself (and probably part of my coping mechanism as well).

Some of you may wonder about the title of this post. I also don't know why I decided to name it that, but I just thought of it because on one evening while taking the food I ordered from a hawker stall, there's this Malay guy/uncle that had his food ready at around the same time as me. As he paid and received his change, he said (while kinda singing it) to the auntie, "Domo arigatou, Mr Roboto." I found it really amusing and wondered if the stall auntie even understood the reference, but more importantly, I wished I could share this encounter with her, which at that point wasn't possible anymore for obvious reason. I know it doesn't really answer the question but I guess it's just how my distraught brain works. See title of previous post for another anecdotal example.