Yet Another Belated Mid-Year Reflection: Back to Square One?

Hi readers! It's been a while (as usual) since the last time I wrote here! I know I actually posted something a couple of weeks ago but it was really just publishing something that had been sitting on my list of draft with minor edits and addition of intro and outro, so I don't think that counts.

So the reason I feel like writing something today is because I had a realization that I'm back to where I started with all the dating stuff. I feel like shit again for not having a girlfriend, and I don't feel that I am good enough for anyone to find me desirable. Always happen when I have a crush on someone. And I can't even recall a single learning I had from those dates. Damn my brain and my defense mechanism for coping with unpleasant experiences... Luckily I documented *most* of my experience and learning in this blog so I can always just go back and read them again... But I hate having to relive those experiences again, afraid that I might feel even more down after reading them; feeling how I should have held on to that girl and whatnot...

Whenever this kind of feeling creeps on me, I'll get really irritable. I hate how she rocks that new hair; I hate how I kept getting stuck at work and I had to ask that one colleague for help; I hate how pretty my crush is, and how I don't stand a chance of approaching her because of the judgements I'd get from my colleagues (among others) and of course she'd have had a boyfriend already. I hate how desperate I am about her, that I looked up a list of 100 people just to find her name (don't ask how I shortlisted that 100 people).

Currently what I'm trying to do is to channel all these frustration into something more productive, such as motivating me to go back to the gym (I started going to the gym for a week before work got busy again...) But I don't know if I'm going to do that yet; hopefully I will. We'll see.

Also, since I'm in the mood and it is way past due, I'm gonna do my mid-year reflection. I might have suggested doing it every quarter instead. Oh, my sweet summer child...

Now let's see my resolutions for this year...

1. Go for most opportunities available

Of course I didn't keep track of that! Godammit.... Let's start keeping track of it then.

But then again, I don't think I've been going for most opportunities when they come my way. Definitely not achieved, not even close.

For my future self's reference, I didn't take the opportunity to go back doing capoeira, didn't help out with some Indonesian thing that my manager suggested via email (I couldn't even remember what that was!), though I did participate in Hackweek (without getting the T-shirt :( )

2. Don't ghost any girls I'm pursuing

Well... I ended up ghosting her. Shieet... Not again for the next one (if any) I hope

3. Go to a mainly-Chinese-speaking country for >=5 days.

I went to China with my family for...5 days lol. I guess that counts. I did speak quite a lot of Chinese since my dad decided to leave us alone for the first 3 days. I guess I fulfilled it, though by chance and not by effort. I guess not a 10/10 but more like 7.5/10

4. Exercise >1x weekly.

Eh... Nope, not even close. I even have some health problems now I feel, a little difficulty breathing.. Seriously need to do this sooner.

5. Don't back out/compromise on any difficulties faced in doing my current project.

Not sure if I managed to fulfill this. I feel that I've done some challenging projects at work, but I don't feel that I understand what I did fully. So I guess this is kinda like a 6/10.

6. Go for a meditation retreat.

I did go for it! Though just for a night, but this one is really a 10/10 kind of fulfilled!

I guess from the looks of it, I didn't do that badly, but it's also probably because I got lucky for some of them.

Suddenly feel very exhausted, so I gonna finish for now. Might edit this soon (keep dreaming). All the best in your life's endeavours!