The Mock Date

So a friend who I knew from my internship in Sydney a couple of years ago came over to Singapore for the whole week last week. She said she did that because the tickets were very expensive if she was to fly back to Sydney right after the long weekend (it was the long weekend Easter holiday, and Sydney had the Friday and Monday off). For some reason, we ended up practically dating for the whole week.

So it all started a few weeks leading up to her vacation to these parts. For some reason she messaged me almost every day in the different platforms where we are connected (there were just two basically, but for some reason we jumped back and forth between the two platforms depending on the time of the day). We were initially just talking about work stuff mostly, and some personal, but still work-related stuff like how I kept going back to the office on weekends ( :'( ) and how her rating during the last performance review was below her expectation (it was actually fine... But she's a high-achiever, so...) After a while she started to share more personal stuff with me, and even called me when I was still in the office once. She shared about her mental issues and a bunch of other stuff that I can't really remember. I was a little worried if she's going through some tough times so I tried to be there for her by listening to her talking on the phone for like a couple hours or so. She called me one or two more times afterwards, but I can't really remember what we talked about during those calls.

One thing I do remember, though, is that she confessed that she used to have a crush on me back when we were interning together, though for just a short while. I was quite surprised she said that as if it was nothing, but I tried to keep my cool and said "I'm flattered" in the most composed/dispassionate manner I could muster at the time (I think I'm getting good at that). I must say that I was really flattered. Not sure if I have shared it here in my blog before, but I have a chronic and critical self-confidence problem. I have the believe that no girl on this world would ever like me because I'm not good looking, cool, or interesting enough for that. When she shared that she used to have a crush on me, I think my confidence grew quite significantly at that instant.

I remembered asking why she's sharing all these personal stories with me since we're not actually that close until very recently, but she just kinda brushed it off saying that she does that all the time. She also kinda likes it because she got people to open up to her too, getting them to tell her their life stories as well. This kinda reminds me of her, actually. Probably she's similar to her in the sense that they sort of taking the leap of faith by sharing their stories, in the hopes that the other party will accept them as they are and don't need to maintain a facade in front of them. How I wish I could be like them...

In one of those chats, she also asked me to accompany her to her accommodation and to free up my evenings for the whole week for her, in a somewhat joking manner. I replied her in kind in a somewhat joking manner too by not saying yes directly, but more like deflecting the questions by saying "please get my manager to give me less work" and things like that. Not sure how it ended up that we both know I'm going to accompany her for the whole week... Or actually probably she didn't know because on one of the days she asked what my plan was for the evening, I replied that I'm thinking of going to some place, then she asked if I'm going there by myself lol.

Fast forward a few days and the day she arrived in Singapore came. Monday, she came with her mom, her aunt and the aunt's two daughters. I helped them with their ezlinks, and accompanied her to her accommodation. Then I met up with her again in the evening to have dinner. We talked a lot, and I ended up accompanying her back to her accommodation, and we talked and talked until I almost miss my last bus home. I can't remember what we talked about the whole time, but I remembered one last question that I managed to avoid, a question she asked from one of the phone calls: did I ever have a crush on her too? (It was asked after she confessed that she had a crush on me before). I kinda deflected the question and she let me be. Truth be told, I couldn't really remember at the time, but now that I look back, I think I might have at least had the intention of wooing her because she's the most attractive girl in the whole batch of interns back then (and even then she isn't actually that attractive...) I can't remember why I didn't continue; probably I just felt that there is just not enough interaction between us and I was too lazy (or not confident enough :( ) to make some so I just kinda stopped trying and forgot about it.

Tuesday, I brought her to a random salted egg chicken stall in Chinatown we found on Google (luckily it was good!) and then to the Spectra @MBS to watch the light show. I'm glad she enjoyed it despite not liking the background music (she said it was too epic-cringy, as in trying to be epic but ends up cringy). I believe this was also the day we start to get more intimate. Not too much though; it's just that she asked if it's okay for her to pat my head and I let her, and I just reciprocated.

But I believe it was the start of it all.

Anyway, that night I stayed in her place until my last bus again, and I answered the question I've been trying to avoid. I can't remember what I said exactly, but I remembered that she knew that I saw her as a prospective girlfriend, but unfortunately she's already taken :(. And I left it at there and caught my bus home.

The following day, she's meeting up with her friends who work in another company. I felt kinda liberated that I don't have to plan for that day, and I finally had time to attend to my bae (my work, that is :( ) which I have somewhat abandoned for the past 2 days. That night she texted me when she's back from the meet up and we chatted a little bit before falling asleep.

Thursday, she asked if I already have plans for her for the evening, and if not maybe the four of us (her, her boyfriend, her and I - I know this is confusing sorry) could have dinner together that evening. I was again feeling liberated because I don't have to plan for yet another evening \o/. Long story short I suggested a noodle place in Bugis which ended up being not that great that day (it was super salty for some reason) and I forgot that she doesn't really like pork so it was quite a bummer... I tried to salvage the night by bringing the group to the famous dessert place nearby, but turned out that her boyfriend and her don't really like the bittersweetness of the pomelo dessert I recommended. Also, for some reason she asked about why she ended up with her current boyfriend instead of me(??!!!?). Not sure where this question in particular came from because I didn't even tell her how close I am with her, but in any case, it got slightly awkward but fortunately the conversation turned for the better later into the evening. We parted ways and I ended up spending the evening in her place again until the last bus. Again, I can't remember what we talked about, but one thing I remembered is that she got even more comfortable with me, leaning her head against my non-existent arm muscles and stuff. I twitched when she did that, and she thought I felt uncomfortable. In reality, I was trying to get my other hand to pat her head when she was leaning against my arm, but turned out my free arm was actually supporting my body at that time and thus I lost support when I tried to move my free hand to her head :( luckily it was just in time for me to catch my last bus so I managed to avoid the awkwardness for the rest of the night. (seems like the timing of the awkwardness are too good to be true, but they were)

Friday, she asked if I already have plans for the evening. Turned out her friends from the other company asked if she wanted to play some arcade game with her. I said sure. Internally, I was again so relieved that yet another day of me not having to think of where to go \o/. But anyway, I brought her for a river cruise along the Singapore river, because I think it is the least that a tourist should do when they visit Singapore :p. On the boat, I think we're getting kinda intimate too, sitting very comfortably close with each other, and taking selfies together and showing it to her... Not sure what her intention for doing that really... But I did that anyway because I found it really fun and she reacted positively too so all is good. In the evening, I joined her and her friends for dinner, just to get a feel of how her circle of friends feels like. It was a very familiar feeling, the feeling that I got when I met with the direct Indonesians in my first year in NUS. The lame, nerdy, reddit-y witty jokes. I found some of them funny, but most of them are just too Indonesian for me to enjoy... So I quickly left the group after the dinner and didn't join them for the arcade. At the time, I immediately regretted my decision on the way back, drawing a parallel with that other incident when I left my +1 after a party... But I tried to convince myself that she's taken so it's not really the same and I shouldn't even be drawing parallel with that incident. Anyway she messaged me again on her way home. I was so relieved that she didn't make my sudden exit from the group as a big deal (or any deal at all). I asked her what time she wanted to be picked up for tomorrow, and she (probably jokingly) asked for me to come early in the morning. After some friendly negotiation, she told me that I can just come anytime I feel like. I appreciated her for saying that, but I planned not to pick her up too late also in case she got bored in her accomm.

Saturday, I grabbed breakfast for her before I reached her place. When I arrived, turned out that she hasn't even gotten ready yet. We ended up just chilling (like really chilling, not netflix and chill kind of chilling) in her room until noon. I asked if she wasn't really keen on going to the places I suggested. She said she wasn't, and she also feels tired and needs to recharge since she isn't usually going out so often for an extended period (neither was I lol). In fact, I was very relieved when she decided to laze around in her accomm until noon, because I don't think I can take it either if we were to leave from the morning. I was quite exhausted from all the going out for the whole week, and I was just hoping to be able to get some rest when she's finally gone. Anyway, noon came and we dropped by my house to drop her luggage first before going to Gardens by the Bay to have lunch.

During the lunch, we talked a little bit about our lives again. One thing leads to another, and I shared with her about my chronic/critical lack of self-confidence. She gave me some reassuring words that I don't really remember or get, but it was probably because it wasn't solving the root of my self-confidence problem. I might have misled her to believing I'm having a self-confidence problem at places where I don't; probably should talk to her again about this in the future.

After lunch, I planned to bring her to ASM (ArtScience Museum) on foot but it was raining, and I only had one small umbrella. We ended up sharing that small umbrella, and to minimize our combined surface area exposed to the rain (wow), we ended up kinda embrace-each-other-though-not-quite. To be more descriptive, basically I put my hand over her bag (instead of her shoulder), and she tucked her hand between my back and my backpack (not sure why she did that?!?!), we're practically embracing-though-not-really. Although not-really, I really enjoyed that walk. It really feels as if we're couple, though not really.

In the Museum, I brought her to the insta-worthy Future World exhibition (google image it). She really loved it although when the light display starts to make motions, she got motion sickness and had to stop looking until the motions slowed down or stopped. Anyway, we enjoyed the view for a few minutes, taking some selfies along the way. Not very sure about this, but we probably did the embrace-but-not-really thing too here.

I wasn't really enjoying the other 2 exhibitions because I was busy finding a place where we can have chili crab for the evening. We initially planned for Jumbo Seafood at Riverside, but it was fully booked for the evening :'(. We finally settled for No Signboard Seafood at Central, but it kinda sucked so again, a bummer. Anyway, before her and her boyfriend arrived (we're having dinner with them), we chatted a bit again and I asked why she let me did everything I did to her (what I would define as being intimate, though not quite yet). She said she's totally cool with it, though after second thoughts, she started to think that if I were her boyfriend and she saw me doing the same thing with another girl, she'd get jealous. After saying that, I felt that she got a little more self-conscious, trying to avoid what I've been doing to her for the past week. I feel kinda sad with this change of heart, but I thought it was for the best. I wouldn't want to be the cause of her relationship breaking down; a relationship she tried to preserve for so long.

We went back to my place, and before we reached my unit, I can't remember how, but she kinda hugged my arm, and I felt her hand moved down, as if trying to find my hand. For a split second, I could've sworn that we're just split second away from holding hands like real couple. However, her hand quickly avoided my hand before I could get a hold of it. I was a little scared for a split second there, but she quickly teased me and then hugged me tightly around the torso, saying that she felt really bad for teasing me. I was a little confused, but relieved that she's not offended by it, and just enjoyed the embrace.

We talked a little bit more in my room while waiting a little more for her flight which was rather late at night. I think she thought we'd part ways after this, which was why she tried to linger around a bit (confident much?) when I told her it's time to go, she kinda saw my pants that I hanged in my room that has a hole on its pocket, and asked if I'd let her seal it. Well, why not, I thought to myself. Seeing her working on my pants was really a lovely sight; how she skillfully folded knots on the thread, poking the needle into the rim of the whole with much care not to make more fold than it has to. The end result still shows some obvious fold of where the whole was, but I appreciate the gesture anyway.

When it's really finally the time to leave, my housemate (I think teasingly) asked if I was going to accompany her to the airport. Me, pretending not to notice his intention, nonchalantly replied yes and then left the house with her. While waiting for the car to come, she asked if I'm really ok to accompany her all the way to the airport. She didn't really try to stop me from doing that, not sure if it's her nature to let people do whatever they want or she's internally really delighted that she got to spend more time with me (confident much?). Anyway, off we go and I see her right to the departure gate. I stumbled upon my parting words with her, but she patiently waited for me to finish anyway. I didn't manage to say everything I wanted to say, but we hugged twice before parting ways.

I felt a little pang of sadness after she crossed the departure gate. A little sad, but also feeling fulfilled for being able to make the most out of her visit here. I don't know if she's really just being herself, letting me being semi-intimate with her, or if she's giving me strong signals that I fail to act upon, or she's just trying to manipulate me to do all those things. In any case, I thoroughly enjoyed my time with her, and I really look forward to our next physical meet up. :)

There are a few takeaways I got from the week's experience with her, one of which is that being true to yourself will lead to pleasantly surprising things. For example, when she asked me what I was up to during the long weekend, I told her that I'm going for a meditation retreat, which lead up to her sharing her story of why she chose Buddhism as her belief, though not really. I'm not sure how many potential deeper connections I have missed just because I tried to fit in with the crowd; drinking when I don't even like it (and my religion is actually discouraging it), pretending to be more moderate when it comes to religion than I really am, and many other things...

Another takeaway is that I might not be as unattractive as I believed I am, and that girls maybe are not as judgemental as I believed they are. For example, she probably really viewed this incident as me leaving early instead of bailing on her, and that she's actually really cool with that.

Nevertheless, it was a really happening, fruitful, and enjoyable week, despite it being rather taxing too. I hope I didn't miss anything, because there were indeed a lot of learnings from this experience that I'm sure going to be useful for me in the future.

Best of luck in your future endeavours! :)

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