Obligatory New Year Post 8

 Hi readers! Didn't expect to have been writing for 8 years now (or is it only that I've been writing this new year post 8 times?). I long for the day when I will never update this blog again because my life finally goes the way I want it to be (if you all notice, I usually write about the times when life goes against me). That being said, I have not updated the blog for more than half a year, but that didn't mean my life went swimmingly in those 7 months. In fact, I think it was quite a turbulent one (though obviously not as turbulent as, you know, 2-3 years ago...)

Last I posted here was "Of Squandering My Blessings...", which I'm sure is about how I messed up my relationship with the girl where I hit it off right off the bat (in the chat, not even in the first meet up!) And now I'm in the juncture where I might be doing the same, though the situation is much different. Well, similar in some ways but different in others.

It's similar as last time in a way that I am currently (somewhat) talking with this girl that I also hit it off almost immediately in chat. Despite the similarity at the start, the two girls aren't even comparable. One was a quiet, mature girl who just turned 30 with a modest background, whereas the current one is a bubbly young girl still in her mid 20s with a poor-turn-rich(?) background. Despite the stark difference in background, both of them share many similarities, such as being very certain in what they want, and somehow opens up to me very easily. Other similarities are in how the relationship develops - I left for a trip with my family as things were just getting good, and I feel that we're drifting apart ever so quickly (the girl starts to feel more distance as the day goes by) and if I'm honest, I think both may have been caused by me (hope I'm just overthinking this though)... I think they can feel my hesitance, that I'm hiding something from them. Well, for the previous one, it was mostly just in my head, and I think I straightened it before I left, but then there's a misalignment in the expectations, my itchy hands (idle thoughts and muscle memory and all that), and the unfinished business with her. The current one, well.. I just don't know her well enough yet and I already had to leave, and my mum expressing somewhat strong disapproval without even knowing her first. I suspect a very strong recency bias though, especially since she has someone in mind to introduce me to right now that she thinks would be more suitable.

This is new year's eve. And here I am in my room brooding over the same problem I've been facing essentially throughout my life. What about love and relationship (and maybe life?) do I need to figure out before I can finally settle down? Am I destined to a life of homelessness (read: becoming a monk lol)? Am I just being conditioned by the monastic Theravada teaching too much?

Well, for starters, I do not have life figured out. Well, more like I do know what entails if I choose certain choices in life, but I do not actually know which path do I want. One issue I notice is that I don't have much opinion about a lot of things. Is it because "I don't know what I want"? Or is this an acceptable stance in life, and I just need to find someone who's okay with this? It could be the latter, but if it's the latter, how do I even know what kind of girl I'm looking for? Everytime there's a girl who's open to knowing me more, I got scared that whatever life she wants is not the life I want. How would I know if I don't even know the life I want? Maybe it's ok if this Vietnamese girl be taking 90% of my money to help her family as long as I can still live my life, and that she takes care of me, the family we build, etc?

She talked about having a vision board, and how she gave me 2 advices - I forgot what the first one was, but it was something about how my age is going to be the best time of my life, so I shouldn't waste it. The second one was about not going with the flow and to take charge of my life.

With the above advices in mind, now just going with what my mum tells me feels like not following the second advice. Not following the second advice has somehow worked out really well for me. Well, really well in most aspects of my life except in love/relationship...

I'm ending 2023 and starting 2024 depressed, what a life...

Or not. Technically I still have 40+ minutes to go. Let's just do a meditation leading up to it. Start/end the year with what has been providing me with refuge from the ups and downs of life.

I may continue writing this again tomorrow, if the dinner doesn't happen (maybe she ends up ghosting me). But until then, all the best in your life's endeavours and have a good 2024, readers!