Radicality in Finding Yourself

 Hi readers! It has again been a looong while! Almost a year!

Something shook my brain.

Just a quick catch-up, between my last post and now, there's nothing much happened really. I've been basically living on survival mode, and I kinda made an attempt to fix that by going to counsellor starting in.... around April I think. It's the OTOT kind of counselling (not sure if that's the common kind, I had the impression that it's meant to be a regular thing). I've only gone about 3 times, and nothing much has changed so far. Maybe I should pick up the pace and schedule more sessions over shorter period...

But anyway the reason I wrote this is something I talked about earlier this afternoon/evening with a friend. I decided not to put a backlink to them just in case there are people who know who's who reading this...

Anyway we've just returned from a trip to the US (different trips). For some reason, this trip left some impression on me, about how.... free living there is. I don't mean the supposed "freedom" of having your rights to do this and that and whatnot, but free as in.... the freedom of being your own, unique self.

This could really just be my imagination, or simply a by-product of something else, but I can kinda sense the difference of how my friends who I know from Singapore and have moved to the US talk and behave. They feel... different. Different in a way that kinda lets me see the other side of themselves, which would otherwise be suppressed by the need to fit in the Singapore social norms. I can't really point my finger on it, or give a concrete example, but that's just kinda the vibe I get.

One explanation I can think of (of why I feel that way) is because I have many long-time friends in Singapore who already have an image of me, and I feel the need to uphold this image. I don't have the pressure to do the same to my friends in the US. And why is that? I'm not really sure...

But in any case, this kinda sparked my interest to try living in the US. Previously, I've always thought that I don't/won't like it in the US. I've always felt the people are way too talkative, I can't go a day without talking to some random stranger I pass on my way to places, what a nightmare... Especially compared to Singapore where literally no one would talk to you forever if you choose not to make any friend and always use the self-service options in shops. What a day and night difference... But with my last trip, I actually kinda miss the kindness of the people there, the freedom to go wherever (if you have and can drive a car) and whenever, and possibly do things that you can't do otherwise, to discover yourself...

Re: kindness, it was probably an over-exaggeration of my brain due to what happened during the trip. Long story short, I lost my rental car keys on a walking trail during a road trip to north of SF. It's kinda out of the way, so I was quite distressed, especially there are also people with me... people who I was kinda responsible for since I was the driver... But somehow, someone managed to find the keys, and left a note instruction for us how to find it (the kind soul didn't pass it to me directly and didn't leave any contact details)! I'd be forever grateful to them, and wanted to pay it forward somehow, though I didn't really get much chance to do that back in the US.

The thought of trying to find myself also sparked the idea of buying my ownhouse, or at least renting my own place, just so that I can feel some distance from people and can discover who I really am when left to my own devices, without judging/questioning eyes... I wonder what I'd do...

And finally to the main story, of why I titled the post the way it is. The thing that friend experienced when on her trip. She completely broke her principles, or at least what she thought were her principles... She flung. Twice. On a 2 weeks trip! And she's attached! And probably the weirdest thing, I didn't react strongly to it. It's almost like... I even encouraged her to do it even more. But not the fling part specifically... More like exploring herself. Understand her real boundaries, instead of the boundaries that is set by the social norms she grew up with. It's highly likely that I'm kinda projecting my wants onto her: doing things that feels right, not what I've been told is right. Find yourself. And doing that feels very radical. Feels like a teenager all over again, trying to figure out who I really am. Be stupid. Go crazy. So weird. Breaking apart old beliefs, mine and other people's of me. Very scary. I don't think I'll ever have the courage to do that. But she has taken the first steps. I think that's why I think she might as well seize it.

Of course, I might have just started a path that lead to her downfall. But I hope she did hear when I said that what I'm talking about is finding yourself, not about the flings specifically... though maybe to her it's really just about flings and nothing more. Maybe I'm completely off at reading the situation. And she just thinks that I'm crazy lol.

But in any case, I hope I have the courage (or maybe craziness) to take the leap of faith and do what feels right, not what I *think* is right. Maybe one day, one day....

Thank you for reading this nonsense, and I wish you all the best in your life's endeavours, and wish the same on mine...