Opening Up
Hi readers! It's been a while since the last post, hasn't it? How many times have I been using that opening line lol.
Anyway, I just met up with her again. I wasn't sure why she still wanted to meet me; we planned to meet the week before because it's been quite a while since the last time we caught up, but she cancelled it last minute. We then caught up on one of the weekdays, but it was a rather short one because we had other things to do. I thought it was good enough, and thinking of calling it off; but I thought I guess it doesn't hurt to have another chat with her again and so we met again this afternoon.
Turned out to be quite an eventful catch up. Finally after years of being mum about it, I shared the story that I've been trying hard to forget; the story about the girl I chased when I was in secondary school. I sieved through my old posts and shook (sorry for the lingo) that I have never actually written about her AT ALL. Am I really in denial so much about that happening???
(Edit: found the post. For some reason the way I wrote it wasn't as dramatic as how I wrote it in this post. And another one, mentioned in passing)
Seems like today is going to be the day I reveal the story in this blog too. Be honored that I am finally sharing this with you all readers (are there any friggin reader at all in this blog, really?).
***
So there was this girl I liked back in secondary school. Back then, I stayed in a small hostel so pretty much everyone knows everyone else, and I think quite a number of people know that I was chasing that girl. One night, I was just texting her as usual; but for some reason her texts feel more intimate. I can't remember the details now, but it was something that implied strongly that she liked me. I was so excited, I went to a friend's room to share her texts with him and asked him how I should reply to those to subtly but clearly hint to her that I liked her too. I can't really remember what happened the next few moments, but all I remember was that he laughed really hard out of a sudden and a few other friends flooded into his room, all laughing really hard. Can you guess what had transpired?
They pranked me.
Earlier on the same day, they changed the girl's entry in my phonebook to one of those guys' number.
Oldest prank in the book.
So it was not actually her all along.
It was not her.
It was them.
I don't think I'll ever really forget how I felt that day.
I felt betrayed. Destroyed. In denial.
Betrayed by my friends.
Destroyed by the false hope.
In denial that it wasn't actually her.
And I don't think I have ever forgiven them fully.
Not sure how they redeemed themselves, or managed to get me to get back to talking terms to them. But we did. Probably it was just me thinking that that's the most convenient thing to do since I'm spending at least the next 1.5 years with them; can't really not talk to them for that long, especially that we literally bump into each other every day on our way to the bathroom (or school. I could've just said school but I wrote bathroom just to make this post not too depressing).
But I never really shared with them my feelings anymore.
Afraid that they'd do it again.
Afraid that they'd just use whatever they know about me against me again.
And I don't think I could take it if they did.
So I just don't give them the chance anymore.
***
Life didn't go to the bottom just yet. There was a few more things that I shared with her that is related to this story about this girl.
***
Long story short I still chased her after that incident. Confessed, got rejected because there weren't really anything I did for her to even consider me as chasing her at all. I remembered vividly that a bunch of people who knew that I confessed and knew that I failed tried to cheer me up. I told them that actually it felt good, despite being rejected. It felt like a huge burden is just lifted off my chest. I wasn't lying, but what transpired next proved that the feeling was short-lived.
The following year, there was a dance/ball event for secondary school scholars in their senior year. Perfect time for guys to confess, and perfect time for other people to spot who's with who and then gossip about them the next day. As for me, I got myself a flower, trying to get back to talking terms with her.
Found an opening for me to go up to her. But before I could reach her, someone else was already there. With a flower too. He proceeded to hold her hands and started dancing (the music for the dance had started). I don't think I can ever forget that feeling either. The choke in my throat. The ache in my chest. The sickness in my stomach. I can't really remember what happened exactly, but I remember I went to the washroom, dumped the rose into the bin, and the next thing I remember was that I was back in the hostel early with a bunch of other forever-alone guys. Not sure if I cried that night, but I damn sure am never the same afterwards.
I remembered some people asked about my sudden change in attitude. I can't remember how I responded to them, but somehow after a while it has become a given that I just turned quiet and nobody ever bothered me about it ever again.
And here I am today the quiet, emotionless guy just trying to stay alive, always steering clear of any potential drama in life.
***
Something that I said to her and I would like to write down.
I had trust issues afterwards, most possibly because of these incidents. I came to believe that nobody ever really care about your problems. They do only if there's in it for them, even if it is just as simple as an entertainment for them. And with that information, they could always break you one way or another.
I also came to believe that I was actually wrong for being affected by the prank so much. It is just a bunch of adolescent guys doing adolescent pranks; I should just suck it up and move on with life. And I believe that many people would think of it that way too if I share it with them, so I just kept my mouth shut and live with it, trying really hard to either get over it, or get to forget it.
It was tough to finally tell the story to someone after trying to bury it very hard for so many years. I tried really hard to not breakdown in that somewhat-public-but-nobody-was-really-there place (I didn't!) and I'm glad that she gave me the time to pause to compose myself every time I was on the brink of breaking down. If I ever share this blog to you and you're reading this, thanks! Very much appreciated! :)
She also told me some of her interesting life stories. I don't think I should be writing about it here in case someone manages to figure the person out, but I'll just say that it is really fascinating to say the least. My admiration to her just continues growing with every life story she tells. Didn't know she's going through so much! Utmost respect to her to manage to keep her life together (for the most part, that is). And if I ever share this blog to you and you're reading this, I hope your life has taken a turn for the better!
There are a lot of other things we talked about that made me realize how much things that I actually wanted to get done but never had the chance to, such as reconnect with him, bond with my siblings.... I can't remember if I said anything else.. Dammit I gotta ask her. She has a memory of steel, I tell you.
Anyway, after parting ways with her, I must say that it feels like a huge burden is off of my chest. It always feels that way after a long chat with her. I long for the day when I can say the same, with a person that I'd spend the rest of my life with. But first, I gotta deal with my issues first, before that person would be able to find me, and I to be able to accept her.
So long, and all the very best in your life's endeavors! :)
Anyway, I just met up with her again. I wasn't sure why she still wanted to meet me; we planned to meet the week before because it's been quite a while since the last time we caught up, but she cancelled it last minute. We then caught up on one of the weekdays, but it was a rather short one because we had other things to do. I thought it was good enough, and thinking of calling it off; but I thought I guess it doesn't hurt to have another chat with her again and so we met again this afternoon.
Turned out to be quite an eventful catch up. Finally after years of being mum about it, I shared the story that I've been trying hard to forget; the story about the girl I chased when I was in secondary school. I sieved through my old posts and shook (sorry for the lingo) that I have never actually written about her AT ALL. Am I really in denial so much about that happening???
(Edit: found the post. For some reason the way I wrote it wasn't as dramatic as how I wrote it in this post. And another one, mentioned in passing)
Seems like today is going to be the day I reveal the story in this blog too. Be honored that I am finally sharing this with you all readers (are there any friggin reader at all in this blog, really?).
***
So there was this girl I liked back in secondary school. Back then, I stayed in a small hostel so pretty much everyone knows everyone else, and I think quite a number of people know that I was chasing that girl. One night, I was just texting her as usual; but for some reason her texts feel more intimate. I can't remember the details now, but it was something that implied strongly that she liked me. I was so excited, I went to a friend's room to share her texts with him and asked him how I should reply to those to subtly but clearly hint to her that I liked her too. I can't really remember what happened the next few moments, but all I remember was that he laughed really hard out of a sudden and a few other friends flooded into his room, all laughing really hard. Can you guess what had transpired?
They pranked me.
Earlier on the same day, they changed the girl's entry in my phonebook to one of those guys' number.
Oldest prank in the book.
So it was not actually her all along.
It was not her.
It was them.
I don't think I'll ever really forget how I felt that day.
I felt betrayed. Destroyed. In denial.
Betrayed by my friends.
Destroyed by the false hope.
In denial that it wasn't actually her.
And I don't think I have ever forgiven them fully.
Not sure how they redeemed themselves, or managed to get me to get back to talking terms to them. But we did. Probably it was just me thinking that that's the most convenient thing to do since I'm spending at least the next 1.5 years with them; can't really not talk to them for that long, especially that we literally bump into each other every day on our way to the bathroom (or school. I could've just said school but I wrote bathroom just to make this post not too depressing).
But I never really shared with them my feelings anymore.
Afraid that they'd do it again.
Afraid that they'd just use whatever they know about me against me again.
And I don't think I could take it if they did.
So I just don't give them the chance anymore.
***
Life didn't go to the bottom just yet. There was a few more things that I shared with her that is related to this story about this girl.
***
Long story short I still chased her after that incident. Confessed, got rejected because there weren't really anything I did for her to even consider me as chasing her at all. I remembered vividly that a bunch of people who knew that I confessed and knew that I failed tried to cheer me up. I told them that actually it felt good, despite being rejected. It felt like a huge burden is just lifted off my chest. I wasn't lying, but what transpired next proved that the feeling was short-lived.
The following year, there was a dance/ball event for secondary school scholars in their senior year. Perfect time for guys to confess, and perfect time for other people to spot who's with who and then gossip about them the next day. As for me, I got myself a flower, trying to get back to talking terms with her.
Found an opening for me to go up to her. But before I could reach her, someone else was already there. With a flower too. He proceeded to hold her hands and started dancing (the music for the dance had started). I don't think I can ever forget that feeling either. The choke in my throat. The ache in my chest. The sickness in my stomach. I can't really remember what happened exactly, but I remember I went to the washroom, dumped the rose into the bin, and the next thing I remember was that I was back in the hostel early with a bunch of other forever-alone guys. Not sure if I cried that night, but I damn sure am never the same afterwards.
I remembered some people asked about my sudden change in attitude. I can't remember how I responded to them, but somehow after a while it has become a given that I just turned quiet and nobody ever bothered me about it ever again.
And here I am today the quiet, emotionless guy just trying to stay alive, always steering clear of any potential drama in life.
***
Something that I said to her and I would like to write down.
I had trust issues afterwards, most possibly because of these incidents. I came to believe that nobody ever really care about your problems. They do only if there's in it for them, even if it is just as simple as an entertainment for them. And with that information, they could always break you one way or another.
I also came to believe that I was actually wrong for being affected by the prank so much. It is just a bunch of adolescent guys doing adolescent pranks; I should just suck it up and move on with life. And I believe that many people would think of it that way too if I share it with them, so I just kept my mouth shut and live with it, trying really hard to either get over it, or get to forget it.
It was tough to finally tell the story to someone after trying to bury it very hard for so many years. I tried really hard to not breakdown in that somewhat-public-but-nobody-was-really-there place (I didn't!) and I'm glad that she gave me the time to pause to compose myself every time I was on the brink of breaking down. If I ever share this blog to you and you're reading this, thanks! Very much appreciated! :)
She also told me some of her interesting life stories. I don't think I should be writing about it here in case someone manages to figure the person out, but I'll just say that it is really fascinating to say the least. My admiration to her just continues growing with every life story she tells. Didn't know she's going through so much! Utmost respect to her to manage to keep her life together (for the most part, that is). And if I ever share this blog to you and you're reading this, I hope your life has taken a turn for the better!
There are a lot of other things we talked about that made me realize how much things that I actually wanted to get done but never had the chance to, such as reconnect with him, bond with my siblings.... I can't remember if I said anything else.. Dammit I gotta ask her. She has a memory of steel, I tell you.
Anyway, after parting ways with her, I must say that it feels like a huge burden is off of my chest. It always feels that way after a long chat with her. I long for the day when I can say the same, with a person that I'd spend the rest of my life with. But first, I gotta deal with my issues first, before that person would be able to find me, and I to be able to accept her.
So long, and all the very best in your life's endeavors! :)
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