Just Another Random Post: of Girls and Trust

Hi readers. Another random post after a very long hiatus (1 month plus!). I don't think I would bother to apologize this time, since it has already become the norm that I am only posting once in a while.

I am writing this because I cannot sleep. Inability to sleep is bad because some random thoughts may surface, which can make you unable to sleep even more. This is just happen to be that night. I wonder when was the last time I am thinking about girls. I mean, not that I am turning gay or something, but I am getting used to my lack of interaction with the opposite gender. I would not think too much about it most of the time, but at times like this, when your mind just wanders around aimlessly, sometimes you just realize that it has been a while since the last time I looked at a girl and felt like asking for her number. It kind of hurts because you know that such lack of interest may lead to some other random thoughts where you are older now but you are still single, when most, if not all your friends have found their significant other.

More often than not, I also feel that I tend to actively forcing my mind to be apathetic towards girls. I am aware that such an automated mental response to girls is unhealthy; they tend to ignore me too, and thus hurting my chances of getting a partner. However, it may be due to my mind trying to protect me from that feeling that I felt a few years ago (reference to that stupid series of post that I may never finish. If tl;dr (or I may not actually have reached that part yet), it was the feeling of heartbreak. Apparently it was stronger than I thought; I can still feel the effect to this day even years after the day I had it. I do not feel strongly towards that girl (who caused the heartbreak) anymore, but instead it sort of expands into girls in general. I guess this comic strip illustrates the state of my heart extremely well; except I have only reached the fifth row (...irredeemable...).

Even worse, I feel that my apathy towards girls may have extended even further to apathy towards people in general. I still remember quite vividly the days when I was still young and naive; it was the most wonderful period of my life. People loved to be around me, and I loved to be surrounded by them too. People asked me for advice, because I was doing so well in life and they felt that I could be trusted. Indeed I was. Now, I have hardly any real friend (if any). I hate to mingle with people. I do not trust anyone, and in turn, nobody trusts me with their problems and secrets anymore, too. I guess my subconsciousness believes that everybody is out there to get me. My consciousness, on the other hand, really wish to believe otherwise. However, every time there is an instance that proves my subconsciousness' belief, it is getting stronger and my consciousness' willpower is getting weaker. I do not know how to get help. I do not (fully) trust anyone now. How am I supposed to get help in the first place? It is quite difficult to even post this in my own blog where nobody actually sees.

That is all for now. I am getting really tired so I should be able to sleep now. Now that you readers have seen it, there is no need to get all nice to me if you do not really mean it (sorry, trust issues again). But if you really know how to help me get out of this mess, I would certainly take any help I can get. But do not expect me to trust you and follow your suggestion(s) immediately.