Of Frozen and Simplification

Hi readers!! Again, it has been a really long while since the last post! A little bit of catching up first; I have finished my exams (yay!) and is now having my 'winter' holiday in my home country (though there is no such thing as winter both in Singapore and in my home country). Just as a warning, this is going to be a melancholy post so for those in high mood because of the holiday season, I highly recommend you all to skip this post. Suit yourself if you want to read them still, though. At your own risk!

Okay so here comes the melancholy part. Perhaps let me start with what I have been doing over my first semester in NUS. Just as a recap, or for your information, if you have not been following my blog (is there even anyone that follows my blog? Helloooww??!), I did not take any CCA (that's co-curricular activites for you non-Singapore-educated readers) and instead took a part time job as a helper for a research that I do not even know what. The job took quite a bit (a lot, actually) of my time so I do not feel that I have wasted my first semester by not taking any CCA.

What's the big deal, then, some of you may think. Nothing melancholy that I can think of there. Well, on the surface, you are right. There is nothing wrong with it. It is the underlying motivation of me doing it that makes the difference. I have been trying to simplify my life, consciously or not. Do not like it? Then don't do it. Need money? Then find a job. Not going to benefit me in the foreseeable future? Nah.... So yeah that's basically it. I do not take any CCA because... well... I hate to say it in public but since I am pretty sure there are only a few (if any) readers here that knows me personally, then... Yeah, I do not take CCA because I find socializing with too many new people takes up too much energy on my part. There are a lot of things that contribute to the energy-draining part, not just because I am quite introverted in the first place. It should have a place in the series of 'My Seemingly Perfect Past Life' posts but since I have not found the time and mood to write it, it stays in part 1. Shortly, I have been shutting people out of my life, and closing up people from my personal life (which is why this blog is here in the first place). I have also grown to be very pessimistic of others' sincerity in doing something. I mean, people would only do something if there is something in it for him/her, including in getting to know people. I think I may have written it down somewhere before, maybe here (too lazy to check, but pretty sure it's there).  In other words, I have been living this world in a very superficial way. Anyway, it has affected me quite greatly in my interpersonal skill. I have grown to be exactly the person I hate (doing something only if there is something in it for me). In terms of my socializing skill, it makes me only want to get to know new people if and only if (sorry for the allusion to logic here, I learned discrete mathematics in sem 1 haha) there is something in it for me, or at least someone of importance, someone who I would meet often. Sounds very egoistic of me, doesn't it? Well, but if you think of it, it comes from me trying to simplify my life. Don't like then don't do. Don't need then don't bother.

The realization comes gradually in pieces. What invoked me was my conversation with again, my Mom. She is really the only person I can think of that do things for me sincerely, without expecting anything at all in return. Gonna be another long story if I tell you the details. Shortly, I refused to go back to work at my father's friend's clinic (read here for a little bit more info) because I do not like the job and the people there are a little bit.... too much, according to my really low standard. Furthermore, I also feel that my job is rather pointless, as if it is made especially for me on my father's request. (this is the only reason that came out of my mouth) So don't like, don't do, right? My Dad has been easy on me for the past few days (maybe he was really tired and busy also lately, I do not know for sure) but he let me not to go to work, but kept persuading me to go. Now that he is away in Myanmar for some International Buddhist Colleges Summit or something, the constant persuasion ceased for a while, until just now my Mom brought up the topic after a trip to Bogor to visit my Grandmother's sister. She sounded rather concerned why I kept refusing to go. Then she went on to say that my job may not be as pointless as I thought it is. Some of her reasoning includes the unusually high pay for such a brainless job (IMO) and the fact that my father's friend who owns the clinic asked my father for a substitute for me while I am away. Well that made sense. Maybe the job is not that pointless after all. That's when it struck me. A parallel of my life with the movie 'Frozen'. There are bits and pieces of spoilers this paragraph onwards, so if you have not watched it yet, please feel free to skip the next paragraph. The subsequent paragraph may not make sense though, as a result.

Before we proceed, a little advertisement for my friend's blog. He posts about movies, and he marks where he would spoil the movies, which is good. Here it is, his post regarding Frozen. PS don't count this as the 'next paragraph' from the previous one! Below is the one with spoilers!!

I have a frozen heart. Not really frozen literally like Anna in the movie, but more metaphorically. I live life superficially, which means you only need brain and not heart, which makes interpersonal communication really difficult to be meaningful. 'Conceal. Don't feel' What an apt description of what I have been doing. As the saying by the elder troll goes, "Only an act of true love can thaw a frozen heart." That would be my Mom. Her sincere concern and her effort to make me go to work had touched my heart. Again. When I reread the previous paragraph, I felt that I have not done my Mom justice in describing how she reasoned to me about the importance of my job. Regardless, I was about to decide that I will go to work tomorrow when I remembered that... I do not have anymore long pants (I left most of them in Singapore). That was really a spoiler to such a revelation moment! Anyway, yeah. So I am still not going to work tomorrow. Also,  my frozen heart has not really thawed yet. I don't think my frozen heart would thaw that easily. However, I am still hopeful that more acts of true love (or at least friendship) and my own efforts from within, now that I realized I have a frozen heart, would eventually thaw my heart fully from the seemingly eternal winter, and I would be able to see the world as a much better place.

So yeah, that is all from me for tonight. A few more catching up, perhaps. I have been playing Skyrim to fill my spare time, other than learning Python (finished the Python course in codecademy.com in a week) and now going to Java. I have just watched Frozen yesterday (now is 2 days ago already, I think) too, which may explain why I see a parallel in that movie with my life. That is all from me and I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy writing it! PS for the people afraid of spolers on the above paragraph, I think it is safe to read. Nothing spoilt there, after all =p